The country is nearly annihilated and the king is raging that 'other guy' has more 'tokens' on his side of the map. But Din has a more serious problem, change. It swaggers in with nine elite warriors to offer Din a hypothetical: What if he sneaks over and assassinates the bad guy? If he isn't interested in hypotheticals, they could always play 'remove the unnecessary organs'.
Din is not a brave man. His battle ground is fictional heroes. His weapon of choice is Storytelling. His greatest fear? The giant man with the ax and temper.
He's quick to point out that song and joke aren't likely to kill anyone, no matter how poorly delivered. But when Din meets Kara, their mysterious guide, he is determined to uncover her story, or maybe just hypnotized by her blue-green eyes. Either way, he agrees to the mission. Of course, nobody mentions until afterwards that there won't be any coffee...
Um... this was quite hard for me to understand and follow.
ReplyDeleteI love the humor in the voice, but I'm really confused about what the story is about. Who is Din? Who is trying to hire him? Who's he supposed to kill? Is this situation real and if so, where is it set?
I think I would like this and want to read it, but I can't figure out what it's about yet, so no. If you can clean it up and clarify it, I think it'll be a good blurb.
Loved the line about coffee, btw. ;)
Good luck.
~Merc
I too, have no idea what is going on here. Love the humorous voice, but talk a little more slowly to let the rest of us keep up.
ReplyDelete~ Cate
Love it! I'd buy this one and probably stop reading the blurb at "ax and temper". The voice is just fun and it makes me laugh.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm not sure why you start with the king when he doesn't seem to be a major character. Start with "Din has a serious problem...."
I'm lost. There's a king and an assasin who's going "over" somewhere to kill a bad guy. I have no clue what removing unnecessary organs relates to.
ReplyDeleteSo Din is a schizophrenic who lives within the fantasy world of his own mind?
Hmmm... too disjointed. I can't make any sense out of it. So no, sorry, it didn't hook me. But I can totally relate to the last line about there not being any coffee. That's downright criminal.
Again, I love the homorous voice aspect of this, but like the others, I had a hard time following this one. The opening felt a bit generic with 'The country' and 'the king', which makes it feel like maybe the world building is a bit on the thin side. It might not be at all, I'm just saying that the first line feels like too blank of a statement about the world where this takes place. Home that came out right and you get what I mean by that.
ReplyDeleteKeep trying--the voice sounds very good.
Hmm, blogger seems to have eaten my first comment, so I'll try again.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph left me scratching my head. I had no idea who the king was, and even less clue about the "other guy."
The second paragraph piqued my interest. We find out a bit about Din, and I'm wondering who the Ax-man is.
The third paragraph is also interesting, but too vague. I think that if it had a bit more information about the mission, I'd be hooked. Actually, I'm wondering if the mission should carry more weight.
I'm afraid this didn't really draw me in. It didn't give me any real sense of who Din is and it didn't really make me want to know.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is the best. I'd maybe start there and try to draw the reader in from there.
I'm sorry, this didn't hook me. It does sound like there's a juicy, convoluted plot in there somewhere, but this blurb comes off as kind of confusing and hard to follow. The first paragraph is particularly unclear. (Or maybe I need more coffee this morning!)
ReplyDeleteWhat? Schizophrenic?? Confusing??
ReplyDeleteYou people don't know anything! How dare you insult my hook! You don't understand art! You're all mindless zombies!
Break free of the machine! Stop doing what the publishers tell you, they don't know anything!
--- *SNICK* ---
Dear readers,
Thanks for the great comments! The story makes perfect sense to me, how strange that it's confusing to others who haven't read and re-read the story a hundred times...
Taking the king out has serious side effects: the whole story of why or who he's going to assasinate becomes very obscure. But seeing as it's still confusing in this, the third revision, I'm guessing I need a new approach to the plot anyways. I'll see what I can do with that.
I'm glad the voice works well. Unfortunately that's the best part of the MS too :(
Time to slug it out again!
--- *SNICK* ---
Dog farts and entrails! Bloody pustulent oozing scaps and poisoned barbs!
And... and... is that... oooh cheesecake...
--- *SNICK* ---
Kato! ROFL
ReplyDeleteLOL, Wulfie.
ReplyDeleteThe voice is wonderful so just keep working at it. :P
Which novel is this?
~Merc
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletere: which novel is this?
ReplyDeleteLament, currently in its third major revision :(
I did find this a little confusing, but would still read further out of curiosity. Could be the beginning of an interesting story.
ReplyDelete