The woman snorted.. “How many of there are you? I’m getting crazy readings from the hold.”
“Just me and the children, I think,” Fleur said. “I’m sorry, are you a rescue ship?”
The woman smiled, it wasn’t a pleasant sight. “You planet bound whores are so sweet,” she said. “You know what right of salvage is? Anyone who finds a dead or abandoned ship has the rights to the parts.”
“Will you give us a ride to the nearest port then?” Fleur asked. “I’d like to get home.”
“Not a problem,” the woman said. “I know a place where I’ll fetch good money for you.”
Fleur’s eyes narrowed at the implication. “I am a free citizen of the Francesca City-State in the Europa System. You can not sell me as a slave.”
“Not in Francesca,” the pirate agreed amicably
“I have children!” Fleur shouted. “They need a mother!”
“They’ll get a master,” the woman said.
“No! You don’t understand, they’re in ill health, all of them. They’re Penumbra children.”
The woman laughed. “Fabulous! Children forever! Do you know how much they’ll fetch on the slave market?”
“Who would want a child slave?”
“Pedophiles,” the pirate said. “Pedophiles with lots and lots of money.”
Yeah, evil. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'll give it a... 6? The woman just seems ignorant, not necessarily evil. Her heart's not black so much as it is small. Greedy people can be villanous, I'll give you that. And pedophiles? Egads! Now if she's a pedophile, she wins villain-of-the-year without question. Selling children to them just makes her stupid and petty, IMO.
ReplyDeletePlease change How many of there are you? to How many of you are there?
The thing that grabbed me the most was "They're Penumbra children." I want to know what that is, and why that makes them ill. Intriguing!
ReplyDeleteIt's good conflict, but I admit I had trouble at first discerning which woman was the "bad guy."
I remember this. Bah, she's not evil!sadistic!b*tch. Greedy and opportunistic. Doesn't mean I'd hate her. Dislike, possibly. Such a moron, she is. Seriously, she should try a little more subtly to get Fluer and the kids without a fight or problem, yanno?
ReplyDeleteDon't like her because there's nothing interesting about her, sorry. :P
She just seems a bit over the top. Maybe it's me. You can just about hear her cackling in maniac glee...
'Sides, you should know I like guys better. %-)
~Merc
Is he/she believable? Somewhat
ReplyDeleteIs he/she scary/hateful/dark/misunderstood/demonic/whatever-he's-meant-to-be?
Greed and selfishness show but not evil.
Is there enough conflict to make us WANT the antagonist to ultimately fail, even without reading the entire story?
I wasn't rooting for her to win.
Interesting concept.
She's the first stumbling block on Fleur's way home, not the main evil bad guy.
ReplyDeletePenumbra is an abortion drug the childrens mothers took. It failed and left them crippled. Slow growth rate, premmie baby problems, the whole 9-yards. Fleur adopted her first because his mother wanted to throw him off a bridge into a river. After that she had the psycho nanny who brought in a doctor to euthanize the children to improve their quality of life.....
This was the villian who had a 250 word intro though :)
That nanny gets my villain vote. What a sicko. Cool concept, just-me. I like it! I'd definitely want to read more of this story.
ReplyDeleteYeah... it needs editing. It was my NaNo novel last year and to finish it I turned the spell check off for the last few chapters. It isn't pretty yet.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad you like :)
I definitely think she qualifies as antagonistic. I rooted for Fluer and her kids, so that's a good sign.
ReplyDeleteLike others, I would like to see our antagonist be a little more subtle and clever.
After all, she still has to get on board the ship. How much easier if they let her in instead of securing the pressure locks and wiring explosives to the hatches...
There was a scene like this that was done extremely well, imo, in the series Firefly, where the captain needs a part and agrees to trade with a passing ship, but as soon as he opens the hatch, they shoot him.
I'll have to go look up that Firefly scene :o)
ReplyDeleteFleur does pull off something interesting, and daring for her. She's a single mom, not a hero, her experience with adventure and spaceships is watching them on TV. But she learns!
I'm glad you like her though, that's promising. Right now this story is on the backburner while I write the one where I kill off her father. He wound up being an antagonist... who woulda thunk?
The Firefly episode is called "Out of Gas"
ReplyDelete