Thursday, July 17, 2008

#40 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

TITLE:TWICE BITTEN
GENRE: Paranormal Romance

Sometimes you see things coming— and sometimes they blindside you.

Had Arwen missed any signs? Probably, and if her track record were anything to go by, the signs had more than likely been in flashing neon. But there was no way she could have anticipated this. Or, for that matter, prepared for it.

One thing was certain. When she finally got her hands on her mother, she was going to strangle her. You didn't just keep a secret like this. You couldn't. Cause in the end it always came to bite someone in the ass, and right about now, it felt like a pit bull had sunk his teeth in and wasn't going to let go.

Her day had started like any other, with no indication that by the time the clock struck midnight, her life would have changed it's entire trajectory.

She'd been half way through her cup of tea and an episode of Good Eats, when there was a flash of blinding light in her head, her eyes reflexively squeezing shut as the images had started to form. Then she saw him. A man, in his fifties. Tall, strikingly beautiful. Something a bit different about him and… Shit. There was a knife sticking out of his chest. A trickle of blood at his lips, he'd collapsed forward and…

Arwen tried not to pass out as she was jolted back to the present, her head feeling like someone had stuck an axe in it.

17 comments:

  1. Not familiar enough with this genre to know if this works or not, but it seems fairly routine fare to me. Arwen's got a very standard tough girl voice. Nothing to grab me there. This selection makes me guess she has a paranormal mother, but her mother, who is trying to pass for normal, never told her. Why do I care? Arwen (Is the man with the dagger in his chest Aragorn by chance?) doesn't have any specificity to make me care whether she gets the axe out of her head or not.

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  2. This is well written, There's some drama right up front. But it doesn't grab me. She spends four paragraphs worrying about this something without mentioning it and then does a flashback which doesn't help.

    IF I were an agent reading pages a good query would get me to read the pages sent in with the query. If the back of the book were good and I were in the store I might move on to page 2 but otherwise this is a pass.

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  3. To me, a flasback in your first 250 words should mean that that's where you start the story, not taking the time to reflect back on it. Give it to us in Arwen's present, thus heightening the tension and giving us her surprise and horror right away, rather than filtered through a flashback.

    Also, you do know Arwen's a rather well-known literary name, right?

    But all that aside, I really did like this and would read on.

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  4. I'd chop the first two para and make #3 the starter. Then ditch #4 and get down to the business of what she saw and what it means for her to keep me turning the pages. I'd need a query to really tell me how fresh the concept is (the #1 thing for paranormal as the market is now very crowded--strong, but crowded) but I'd be interested to see where you go from there.

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  5. I like this. I'd keep writing.

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  6. Oops I meant I'd keep reading :)

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  7. No, I'm afraid not.

    The opening two paragraphs are filled with abstract outside narrator comments, which don't pull me into the scene at all. The outside narrator voice comes in again in the middle of the third paragraph. I'd suggest putting the scene in just Arwen's voice and cutting out the "you this" and "you that" phrases.

    Visions are nothing new to Fantasy books. With little else to hook me, I doubt I'd keep reading unless the plot blurb wowed me.

    Please consider picking a different name for the protagonist. You know Tolkien created the name Arwen and made it famous, right?

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  8. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to comment as the author, but I wanted to put everyone's mind at ease about the name. It's supposed to be a bit of a joke. This blurb is a few pages in.

    Hell, even her name, Arwen, didn’t fit the mold (Yeah, thanks a million Mom! What was this? Lord of the Rings?).

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  9. I love paranormal romance, so I would say YES. I do agree that a query would be helpful to guage the plot, but I'd read on.

    :) Terri

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  10. hehe, I like it. But I've not read enough para romance to know what's been done or not.

    Nitpick: if her track record WAS anything, since A record is singular ;)

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  12. Sorry. I stopped a little after the name "Arwen" and the word "@$$" were introduced in close proximity. Makes me think too much of Tolkien--or rather, Tolkien gone vulgar. I'd drop the name. Silly me being picky, so please don't be offended.

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  13. Cautiously hooked.

    Interesting premise/setup. Strong voice. Only thing is I didn't like the fact that the first half of it was all inferences.

    1st para: sometimes you don't see it coming, something bad's happened
    2nd para: something bad's happened, and she didn't see it comeing.
    3rd para: something really bad's happened and she blames her mom for it.

    I'd cut out the 'Her day started normally enough' para and get to the freaky vision paragraph.

    I also think this should've just happened as opposed to have happened in earlier. Of course, that may depend on what happens after the first 250.

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  14. Not my cup of tea, I'm afraid. I need more show and less telling. I know what she thinks, how she feels, but I don't actually feel it with her.

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  15. I found the swearing didn't add anything and turned me off the character. Liked the "sign" being in flashing neon. I could picture this, but the next paragraph didn't have anything concrete to imagine except getting bit in the rear-end, which doesn't grab me.
    Her day had started...
    She'd been half way
    both of those are taking us back in time.

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  16. No, I'm sorry.

    *bites lip* Part of my problem is the name "Arwen" immediately pushes me away.

    The other thing is even though I think there is probably something here, it feels rushed and needs editing.

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  17. The writing is really strong, but the "should have seen it coming" thing is a bit cliche... I don't think it does the beginning any favors and you'd be stronger just starting out with her seeing the murder/death. That part is where the hook is.

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