GENRE: CHILDREN'S FICTION (10-yr. +)
Have you ever dreaded something? I mean really dreaded it? Like that thing is a worm twisting inside your brain, there’s no way you can forget it. Well that’s what I’ve been living through all week and I’ve had enough. Today’s the day. I’m getting rid of that dreaded worm one way or another.
I wrestle out of sweaty sheets and lie staring at the posters Callum stuck up years ago. Birds of all sizes stare back at me. They line the wall with barely a patch of white between them. Their glassy eyes watching, judging. ‘Get Up’ they’re telling me, like I know I should.
I force my feet onto the floor and rise like a mummy from my bed. Something trips me and I stumble… my runners. Next thing I’m in front of the mirror, groaning. Not because I look so bad, but because someone’s stomping down the hallway.
Phoebe.
For a second I fool myself into thinking she’s remembered what today is. My birthday. Maybe she’s got something for me, like a pair of boxing gloves. They’d sure be handy today. The bedroom door flings open and Phoebe wields a hair brush like a weapon. Nope. She definitely hasn’t come to say happy birthday.
“Arnold! Can’t you hear Eggie barking?” she squawks. “It’s Saturday. It’s your turn to walk him.”
Am I hooked?
ReplyDeleteNot entirely.
There are at least three solid cliches here- opening with the character waking up, having the character go to the mirror, and someone in the house forgetting the MCs birthday.
I am interested in what's vexing this kid, but that's just from the title.
I think the voice and mood are older than 10+. He gets out of bed like an old drunk. And yes, you got some cliches here.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not the target audience but this doesn't grab me. It may work wonders for the age group your aiming for, but I'm not grabbed. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteWhile your MC doesn't wake up (literally) in the first para, it's close enough. The opening starts with him getting out of bed.
(If you notice at least four other entries in this challenge alone have the same kind of starting place... I think it's clear how often and overdone this is.)
I'm no expert in this age group, but the narrator feels far too adult and I can't picture him as a kid yet.
I liked the title, but the opening was a bit too heavy handed--I would rather see more action than rhetorical questions that aren't all that engaging (though I like worm analogy) and starting the novel in a different place. I'd like to see it start with Arnold actually on his way to confront his dreaded fear.
Good luck,
~Merc
Not really. Ditto on the cliches. Plus, there's just a lot of filler info between the opening conflict (the worm) and the sister finally entering. Doesn't really add much to the world building or the characterizations, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteNo. Getting out of bed takes too long and the rhetorical questions at the beginning gave me pause. Is Arnold's birthday important to the plot? Or could you start later, with Arnold closer to confronting his fear?
ReplyDeleteToo much word count without enough happening. Tighten it and make sure the voice fits Arnold's age. I can't tell how old he's supposed to be here.
Yeah, heavy-handed beginning. Compared to some of the other MG I'm reading even just in this competition, this one's a no.
ReplyDeleteYes, possibly.
ReplyDeleteI think it's well written for the age group - it's very difficult to phrase stories for pre-adolescents without becoming too complicated or patronising in language and I think this opening does that well.
However, though I can get a sense of the character, I'm not really sure of the situation he's in and that's what would make me turn the page. I would read on but only to see if something happened in the next few pages, or indeed what it was he 'dreaded' and why.
No from me, just didn't hook me in.
ReplyDeleteNo. But I think this has possibilites. I think the writing style is good fit for middle grade. You use "like" quite a bit. I think it could be tighend up. I want to know more about what he is dreading. That might hook me. A blow-by-blow account of him getting out of bed isn't necessary.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
Maybe.
ReplyDeleteI like the first two paragraphs. But I found myself sliding back after that. Or being pushed away.
Normally I don't mind present tense, but I specially had a problem with the third and fourth paragraphs.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteNothing really interesting happened here, and there's no hint that anything will. He has to confront something on his birthday so I'd get right to that instead of him waking up.
I liked the first paragraph. I thought the image of the worm was great. I'm wondering from the title though, if all the action takes place over one day. This idea doesn't appeal to me for some reason, like the pace would have to be very slow.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me, sorry to say. I'm not seeing something different that grabs me, and the opening with a question is tough to pull off. Without a stronger sense of who the MC is or a voice that seems very fresh, I'd take a pass here.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this has potential, but I'm not seeing enough of something new or original through all the typical stuff to tell me why I should read this particular story. It needs something to make it stand out.
ReplyDeleteI liked your first paragraph, but then you lost me with the cliches, as others have pointed out.
ReplyDeleteI would try to get to the main conflict sooner. I can't figure out what it is right now, aside from the birthday, which I've seen many times before.