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Wednesday, August 27, 2008

#18 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

TITLE: Hope
GENRE: Historical Fiction


Seven shots. Eliza prayed they would they be enough? She trained her father’s Spencer at the door Her little brother, Will, crouched in the corner of the one-room sod house with the twins.

Eliza drew back the calico print curtains. The three men were now fifty yards away and riding up fast.

“Liza,” Will whispered. “What do you think they want?”

She looked at the wounded man laid out on the bed then back at her brother and sisters. Was helping some stranger worth risking her family’s life?

Her mother’s voice drifted through her mind. Out here, folks gotta help each other.

“I reckon I don’t want to find out. No good company comes calling in the black of night. If something happens, I want you to find Wooden Leg and stay with him.”

Will shook his head. “I ain’t leaving you.”

“You’ll mind me. Wooden Leg’ll take care of ya’ll. Don’t argue. Pa’s old riffle may hold ‘em back, but I don’t know what iron they’re carrying and I need to know you’ll do as I say.”

He nodded. They’d been through so much in their young lives. She prayed they would live to see more. Pa always said that as long as you were alive, there was hope.

Creaking came from the bed. The stranger had propped himself up. Moonlight bathed his brown completion, eyes wild from fever, but his face looked like an angel’s.

“Mister, lay back down. You’ll open your wound.”

“G…gu..gunbelt. Get…my…gun.”

16 comments:

  1. I'm not a fan of historical fiction, but I like this one. Good job!

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  2. I feel this is bit cliched. Wounded stranger needs to be saved from guys coming to get him. All that stands between them is plucky girl.
    I did wonder how she managed to make out the three men at fifty yards if it was the 'black of night'
    Wooden Leg - sounds cliched too. Did she mean for her brother to take her sisters or go on his own? if anything happens??? well something is definitely going to happen.
    I like the guy on the bed though! Nice detail there.

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  3. It may be a bit cliche, but I like it anyway. I'm not sure about the telling bit with the "they'd been through so much" bit. there's also some sloppy mistakes/typo's. But the voice and the tension is fascinating enough to keep me going. I'll read on.

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  4. I’d keep reading, but I’m not hooked yet. The writing is good, but needs some tightening. You’re showing quite a bit instead of telling and I’m not sure Eliza’s dialogue rings true. It has a “as you know, Bob” feel to it.

    But the story has action and draws me in, so you’re on the right track.

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  5. This caught me and didn't let me go! I want more!

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  6. I turn the page... I'm not sure how much more I would read but I like the action you've set up.

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  7. I had a problem with the dialogue.

    Being from Oklahoma, I can hear that dialogue in my head, and it fluctuates from proper English to a countrified hick (which I can do in my sleep...not something to be proud of, but it is what it is).

    My question would be where is the author from?

    Perhaps it was written that way...not sure I would read on, as I was so distracted by that.

    :) Terri

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  8. Whoops! Watch those blunders in the opening. Little mistakes like this can submarine a good story right off the bat, as it can oftentimes be a red flag that reading on isn't worth it if the basics in proofreading aren't there. Thankfully I found this intriguing enough to read on and then...yay! A stranger in the bed with possible oozing wound, I'm in. Wish I had more to read...

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  9. Yes. The way you intro'd your MC (Eliza, right?) we are right there with her.

    There are a couple typos that I noticed, but I do like this and would read on.

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  10. Sorry, but I was completely lost by the end. WAY too many characters are mentioned and overall, it just felt way too vague and "airy" for me to be able to sink into fully.

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  11. I'm hooked, love the wounded man being saved by kids. I wanna know how old Eliza is though... but I would read on to see. Great job! :)

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  12. Sorry, not my thing.

    I was distracted by typos/spelling/punctuation, and I too thought it sounded a bit cliched.

    The writing is solid though, and you drop us into an actions scene with all the right ingredients. I'm just not interested enough to read on (but that's a personal preference, not necessarily your story telling).

    Good Luck.

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  13. Thanks for all your comments. I live in Virginia.

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  14. Hooked!

    Conflict, action, strong MC, interesting situation. I want to read more.

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  15. I'm hooked. I would like to see more. Just clean up the typos a bit and it has potential.

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