Wednesday, August 27, 2008

#7 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

Genre - Historical Romance (Time-travel)

Dallas, Texas

Present Day

Lexy shielded her eyes from the afternoon sun and stared at the castle in disbelief. For someone obsessed with her own appearance, Cara certainly took pains to make the prop for the roller coaster look as degraded as possible.

The front gates sagged as if they’d given up and decided to allow entrance to anyone. Not that Lexy imagined many people would chose to enter the ridiculous castle if it weren’t for the roller coaster housed inside. No happily ever afters found here, she imagined the castle saying, kindly take your fairy tales somewhere else.

The odd thing was, she felt as if she recognized the castle. Absolute craziness, but she closed her eyes and tried to remember.

“Lexy?” Cara’s voice shattered her concentration. “Sorry I’m late.”

Lexy’s eyes popped open and focused again on the castle.

“Hello,” Cara said. “Over here.”

Yes, this was the Cara she knew, a picture of utter perfection. Not one strand of long, black hair askew, tailored shirt just the right hue to match her lively blue eyes, and neatly pressed, white shorts that dared dirt to even think about smudging the crisp linen. Lexy looked down at her own outfit. Wrinkled khaki shorts and a faded pink tee shirt. Well, not everyone was cut out for the upper class.

“You okay?” Cara asked.

“That,” Lexy pointed, “is the ugliest castle I’ve ever seen.”

An odd look of pride settled over Cara’s features. “Yes.” She smiled. “It is, isn’t it?”


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. "imagined many people would chose to enter"

    That was distracting.

    I love historical romances, but I am trying to see where you are going's present day, you mention time-travel, so I would think it would be a paranormal romance instead, since historical romances tend to be set in Regency, Victorian, Medieval, Civil War Era, Etc.

    I also LOVE paranormal romance. This reminded me of Nina Bangs. She has a trilogy set in an amusement park, in modern day Texas.

    I think with so many romances out there, you have to be very careful not to sound like you took elements from different authors and threw them together to make your own MS.

    I'm NOT saying you did this, and I would still love to read more, but I tend to have much more to say about genres that I read (and read OFTEN), than I do about other genres that don't interest me.

    I would read more, because I love the genre, BUT not sure if this hooked me.

    :) Terri

  3. I like the premise. I've read the Nina Bangs stories and didn't like them but this has a good feel BUT I don't think your writing is tight enough. One too many uses of 'castle'.
    Upper class? - where's that then. Sounds English but it's Texas.
    I like the ending.

  4. I liked it :) Loved your description of the gates and the 'take your happily ever afters elsewhere' bits. You do mention the word castle a little too much :) I'd probably cut a few of those and change to something else.

    Overall, I liked it and I'd keep reading :)

  5. Sorry this didn't hook me. It was a bit confusing and I couldn't tell which of the ladies were the main character.

  6. Whoops, this isn’t historical fiction. I found the opening confusing, and the word “castle” is over used. This one is a miss for me.

  7. Maybe- it might go somewhere fun but I'm getting to much of a chick-flick vibe. Let me guess.... Cara is evil? It's been done.

    So has the "I remember this from a past life!" cliche. I'd try something new.

  8. I'm not a romance reader, but I didn't feel that instant connection with the characters. Nothing really drew me in...

  9. No... I couldn't get an idea of the setting.

    I just kept thinking about Sleeping Beauty's castle in Disneyworld.... with a rollercoaster inside?! :[

  10. Sorry, but it's a no. Although the setting was intriguing, there's no discernible conflict or plot to "hook" your readers in this section. And as the SA said, this isn't historical fiction. HF doesn't involve a character from the present going to the past--it already *is* the past (think The Other Bolyn Girl). Characters going back in time, as you mentioned, is Science Fiction or Fantasy, depending on how the time shift occurs.

  11. Hmmm, I like the set-up of a falling apart castle but I couldn't quite catch the tone of this one. Is it supposed to be humorous or thrilleresque? The last line also kind of clunked for me because it sounded cliched.

  12. Hooked.

    Strong voice. Felt the clothing descriptions were a bit much, but I want to know what's up with this castle and roller coaster.