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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Drop The Needle #21

TITLE: Huntress
GENRE: urban thriller

Twenty minutes into the drive and my shoulder was beginning to hurt me. I gritted my teeth and shifted in my seat. The throb quickly turned into a blinding ache, which pulsated harder with each second.

“Medication wearing off?” Buzz asked, concerned.

I nodded and took an intake of breathe.

“Hold on,” he said, pulling the car over to the side of the road. Searching through the glove compartment, he pulled out a canister of pills, which Med had given him.

“Here,” he said, handing me one.

“Two,” I gasped.

I thought I was going to pass out. Buzz had the same idea, because he gave me another pill without argument, and then held a bottle of water to my lips.

“Do you want to lie down in the back?”

“No. I’ll be fine. I want to sit beside you.”

It took about ten minutes for the drugs to kick in. I felt drunk. My head was floating and everything moved in slow motion.

“Do you mind if I make a quick stop at the clubhouse?” he asked.

“”Nah, I don’t mind,” I slurred.

Buzz laughed.

I must have dozed off, because when I opened my eyes we were parked outside the club house. I shivered and my shoulder began to ache again as I recalled what happened there the other night.




Emotion: PAIN

14 comments:

  1. Pain, maybe lonliness. I can very easily picture this scene and I wnat to see the rest of the story. Good job.

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  2. The pain definitely communicated. And the drugged-up feeling afterwards.

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  3. Definitely pain. Sounds like one tough character there.

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  4. I didn't really feel the pain. I understood that it was supposed to be excruciating from the descriptives used but I didn't connect to it. Maybe because your character is so tough that the pain doesn't resonate as much.

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  5. It's clear to me that it's pain, but it feels a bit flat. I can picture the scene, not feel it.

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  6. Pain--and the hint of something else--why did she want to stay next to him instead of lying down in the back? Was there another emotion stronger than pain that she was feeling?

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  7. Good, clear description of being in pain, and how your character deals with it. My only note is that some of the language could be more active. Ex: Twenty minutes into the drive and my shoulder began to hurt.

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  8. Pain & I think the character trying to be tough - holding off taking meds until the pain was unbearable & not wanting to lie down
    It's an interesting piece. I would read more.

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  9. Pain, although it seems much more the physical kind of pain than the emotional kind of pain.

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  10. The pain was physical, not emotional. She seemed determined to deal with it, then later disorientation.

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  11. Yep, the pain. And the drugs. Been there, done that.

    I think you communicated the pain well without overwriting it.

    I'm wondering what happened. :)

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  12. Again... I was a little distracted by some typos and passiveness... but I think that the focus was on her growing pain (reminded me of an abcess)and then her 'floatiness' from the meds, both which are well-described.

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