Thursday, November 13, 2008

34 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

TITLE: FALLEN
GENRE: Paranormal Romance


The wind whipped Breann’s short curls from her forehead as she pushed through the pine trees. A cruel smile lifted the corner of her mouth. Thudding footsteps sounded behind her. Good, he had followed her. A week’s worth of hunting was finally going to pay off. She surged ahead out of the trees up the hill and glanced back.


The moon lit the well-maintained lawn behind her. To any casual onlooker, a man chased her. A casual onlooker would be wrong. Because of the gift of true sight Sammuel bestowed upon her, she saw the creature, not the man it pretended to be. Araxiel, one of Sammuel’s favored.


Araxiel’s six burnt wings wrapped around his body like a second skin. His face switched between a hawk, a lion, and a man. A beautiful face twisted by lust.


The World’s Fair Pavilion shone ahead in the moonlight, alone on top of the hill looking down on Forest Park. Caught between the pulsing St. Louis’s Central West End, the bustling university, and the busy interstate, the park surrounded the Pavilion in an otherworldly quiet. Arched doorways lined the walls and left the Pavilion open to the elements. The archways interrupted the moonlight to create light and shadows that fell on the stone floor. The perfect place to play hide and seek.


Breann darted behind a column. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears. The thudding came closer.

She drew in deep breaths to slow the beating of her heart.

12 comments:

  1. You've got a lot of tension going. I like the twist of her actually hunting him.

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  2. I'm about halfway hooked. I think you have a great start here, but it's just not something I'd likely read. Has more to do with the genre than the writing. I do like how she's able to see what's really after her and am curious about how the hunting's going to pay off.

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  3. Whoa. Love chase to start off the novel... B]

    Strong wording, and definitely a hook<:

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  4. Wow! I'm hooked!

    I liked the creature!

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  5. Yes, I'm hooked, good work.

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  6. I really liked this and want to read more! It's very vivid!

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  7. Good tension, pacing, and descriptions. I’d definitely read on.

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  8. I'm hooked. Very vivid in my mind. My only suggestion is your last few lines. Heartbeat and beating of her heart sound too repetitive. Maybe "the pulsing in her chest" or you know, something similar but different wording.

    Otherwise, loved it, loved it, would continue to read by far.

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  9. The fact that your setting was something recognizable, made it easier for me to get into this, as I wouldn't normally go for the paranormal genre. But the characters and the action hooked me. I loved that Breann was luring Araxiel into chasing her. good job.

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  10. I like the setting and the pacing, the idea of the demon being set up to chase her. But the writing lacks polish. I probably wouldn't read any further. Still needs some work.

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  11. I think you've done a great job with pacing, tension and setting, but the writing is a bit "choppy" to keep me reading for much longer. I'm curious about what's going on here, but I kept being thrown out of the scene by first-drafty stuff that could be tightened.

    Example: "To any casual onlooker, a man chased her. A casual onlooker would be wrong. Because of the gift of true sight Sammuel bestowed upon her, she saw the creature, not the man it pretended to be. Araxiel, one of Sammuel’s favored."

    How about something like "A casual observer might have assumed a man chased her, but the assumption would have been wrong. Sammuel's gift of true sight allowed her to see the creature for what it was: Araxiel, one of Sammuel's favored."

    (I was particularly intrigued, BTW, by the conflict between the MC and one of Sammuel's chosen, since it was Sammuel who gave her the power of true sight. Nice!)

    Keep working on this! I think you've got a great start! :-)

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