Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 12

Two drops of sanguine fluid were all that Rhea could squeeze out of her sliced finger. It seemed her blood was a bit thicker than his.

15 comments:

Wulf said...

This is fun. The sentences don't flow nicely off the tongue... something about the structure is a bit complex, but they are hooking.

Btw, Rhea immediately conjured an image of a witch to mind, based on Rhea of the Coos from Wizard and Glass.

Lo said...

I like this, but I'd replace "sanguine"--it's a bit off.

Ardyth said...

I'm definitely curious about what they're doing here.

Anonymous said...

I like it. I had to look up sanguine though. Maybe a simpler adjective here. I'd read on.

Merc said...

Heh, I was wondering about the "sanguine" word choice there for a moment, but the second sentence cinched it for me, so I would say hooked.

Bethlene said...

I think you should identify the "his" and the word sanguine would stop me since I have no idea what it means. this is a good start. I would read on to find out more.

Feywriter said...

I'd like a name instead of "his". Other than that, I like the tone.

Sponge said...

Not sure about the 'sanguine fluid'...

My first thought "She has sad blood?"

I'm probably just confused.

Sounds like vamps to me. I'd read a little more to see where you are going, but I don't read too much vamp fiction...

fairchild said...

Sounds like a vamp story (of which I have an aversion to). Sorry, not hooked.

Barb said...

I'd read more. You might cut "of sanguine fluid," though.

disorderly said...

The only minor nit I have here is that "his" seemed a bit bland at the end of what otherwise is quite intriguing. If "he" has a name, could you use it here? If he's some anonymous victim, perhaps you could give us something a tad more descriptive?

I'd read on. :-)

Julie Butcher-Fedynich said...

Original Text
Two drops of sanguine fluid were all that Rhea could squeeze out of her sliced finger. It seemed her blood was a bit thicker than his.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 4.5
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 99.3
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.

Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 2.6
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 5.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 8.4
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 1.8
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 4.5
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text
They're right, sanguine is a good word, but off-putting for a first sentence. It made me wonder if I would find more difficult words later.
Your reading ease is good.

Anette J Kres said...

Interesting. I’d read more. I think the words “a bit” are a bit unnecessary ;)

Charlie said...

Great sentences except for the word 'sanguine.' It seemed to interrupt the flow. But I liked the second sentence and got the feel of a mystical story.

Lori said...

The language and sentence structure don't match the sense of forboding you're trying to build--they're too overworked and "purple prose." I think simpler would be better in this instance.