Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 13

I remember the first time I met Kumari. I recall, most vividly, that she smelled of gunmetal, blood and death.

19 comments:

Crimogenic said...

Hooked! I love it. The opening promises adventure and danger. Just the kind of book I want to read.

Lyon said...

very kewl. I'd read on. Not my usual kind of book, but very interesting start.

Wulf said...

Great hook.

I'd expect the narrator to prove the sort of person who knows what gunmetal, blood, and death smell like in the next few paras, though.

But with that opening, I suspect he/she will.

JS Bangs said...

Excellent. I'd expect good things from the rest of the post.

DCS said...

Ditto!

Ardyth said...

Nice hook. Works for me.

Merc said...

I like it for the description, but I'm immediately wary that it starts with the narrator remembering... I'd probably read on a bit, but I'd like to see an active scene get going quite quickly. (I don't mind if it starts with a back flash, per se, it just has to be active and keep moving.)

Otherwise, hooked.

Bethlene said...

Interesting start. I would read on to see what it's about.

Feywriter said...

I like this. Definitely hooked by the description.

Sponge said...

Yes.

Ok, I'm not very into characters who smell like THAT, but I would read on to see how the 'real' start of the story goes.

fairchild said...

Hmm...I'm iffy on this one. It tells me that a guy is remembering his femme fatal love-at-first-sight love interest...and that's it.

*shrugs* Can't put my finger on it, but not hooked.

Daria Drake said...

Good hook, I'd definitely want to read more!

It could be tightened a bit, though. Since the first sentence tells us that the narrator is remembering, the phrase "I recall" in the second sentence is redundant. Also, "most vividly" doesn't add anything to the description (it's abstract) and it dilutes the impact of the rest of the sentence.

Would you consider cutting these two phrases so that it reads:

I remember the first time I met Kumari. She smelled of gunmetal, blood and death.

Suzanne said...

THe second sentance felt clunky, but I liked the visual. I'd read on. Very interesting.

Barb said...

Fantasic start! And well written.
You got me!

disorderly said...

OK, I got a chill out of that. Nice job with the thoroughly unexpected olfactory smack! :-)

One minor thing: I think "I recall, most vividly," is unnecessary. The first sentence already indicates the POV character is remembering. I think I'd jump right into "She smelled of gunmetal, blood and death."

Good job!

Anette J Kres said...

Great name, Kumari. Nice description in the second sentence. I’d read more.

Charlie said...

Excellent. Interesting. Good hook.

Lori said...

Good opening! Solid character introduction and setting up of the mood. I'd read on!

Julie Butcher-Fedynich said...

Take out "that" and the comma after recall, it might flow better.

I remember the first time I met Kumari. I recall most vividly, she smelled of gunmetal, blood and death.

WOW! I would read it and I'm picky