Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 22

Ice cold water splashed across Kristin’s face waking her from the nightmare she’d been having. The cold cuff of metal surrounding her wrists didn’t give way.

16 comments:

  1. EEEK!! This gives me shivers. I'd read on.

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  2. Definitely has thriller written all over it. Good job.

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  3. I like the second sentence. Hooked.

    I'd point out that a great deal of agents and editors have a strong aversion to "waking up" at the beginning of a novel. Consider something more creative as a starter.

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  4. I'd use a stronger verb in the first sentence and get rid of the was having.

    Ice cold water (ripped, jarred, yanked, pulled, tore) Kristin from her nightmare when it splashed across her face.

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  5. It sounds like whatever nightmare she was having couldn't possibly be as bad as her reality. I liked the other Anonymous's suggestion about opening with the water and I would dwell on the sensation; also getting rid of the passive voice. Good job! I would read on.

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  6. Definitely the second sentence got my attention more than the first.

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  7. I'm not real fond of books starting with people waking up, although this has immediate action, so I might be able to get past that.

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  8. No. Characters waking up as the opening just doesn't do it for me unless it's incredibly special, and this doesn't have anything to stand out from the other 'waking up' openings. I like that she's either handcuffed or chained but I'd rather see her up and awake and trying to do something or trying not to be noticed or whatever in the opening lines.

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  9. Looks like she woke up to the same nightmare... :[

    Um. I'd read on a little bit more. Yes, hooked.

    Though you know, this is one of those bad 'starting a book with a person waking up from dream' <- bad varmin according to most agents.

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  10. I'm intrigued. I'd want to know if what she thought was a dream is her waking nightmare.

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  11. A woman in bondage...hmm...nope, not hooked. So many stories start this way.

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  12. Why would a cold cuff of metal give way though? The second sentence seems odd to me. This sort of hooks me, what with a prisoner girl being woken rather rudely, which makes me think she’s not being held captive by very nice folk. The word “surrounding” doesn’t sit well with me. I think “around” would fit better there.

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  13. Not quite hooked. If her life is currently a nightmare, I'd imagine her dreams would be some sort of escape.

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  14. Not a fan of stories that start off with a character waking up--a lot of agents are tired of this literary tool, too. Plus not much is actually happening just yet. I'd start with some action, rather than waking to find herself in chains.

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  15. I'm with the others on the waking-up bit. In addition, you've used "cold" twice in close proximity.

    Why not use the second sentence as your first? Or, use icy water splashing in Kristin's face as your opener, but don't tell us she's waking up. Slip the nightmare comment in somewhere later (maybe with a reference to how being awake and being asleep presented equally nightmarish scenarios?).

    Just a couple of thoughts. :-)

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  16. Original Text
    Ice cold water splashed across Kristin’s face waking her from the nightmare she’d been having. The cold cuff of metal surrounding her wrists didn’t give way.
    Average Grade Level
    Average Readability Level: 7.58
    Average of grade levels scores that follow.
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Specific Scores
    Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.5
    Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.

    Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 5.8
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 6.7
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 12.9
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 4.4
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.

    Automated Readability Index (Wikipedia): 8.1
    Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text

    Good scores, but I'm confused. I would read on.

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