Miss Snark's First Victim
Sounds like a strong YA voice. The second sentence is the hook, so try shortening the first.
I like the way you are taking this.
I like this because it's an experience we can all relate to. So many things I'd like to say to doctors but don't. ;-)
The second sentence is strong, hooked.The first sentence could be stronger, edgier.
I liked this, although I'm not crazy about the present tense. but I hope you make it work!
Grammatically I think this should be three sentences, because that's description, not a tag, that the doctor is doing. I think you should capitalize it and make it three instead of two.
According to the way my mom uses the word "mousey" - it's means 'plain'. Is that how you mean it here? *** This does have a good YA voice, and I would read on.
"the" in the second sentence needs to be capped, as the action is not a tag line.The (technically) third sentence is what interested me, but not enough to really pull me in, sorry. Also, I'm wary about prologues.
I like it. I would read on to see if they did say any of the snotty things and why they feel inclined to think that way. And most of all, why they're at a doctor's office they don't like.
Uhm...why would the MC want to say snotty things to the doctor? I guess I'd have to read on to find out, but from this I see no indication that the doctor would deserve rude remarks, thus leaving me feeling cold towards the MC.Not hooked.
I like it. I get a strong visual of the female doctor with bad hair habits who speaks in an impersonal voice.
There are three sentences here. Since the line about the doctor has nothing to do with what she said, it should start with a capital “The.” Based on these lines I wouldn’t really be hooked, because it sounds like the narrator is being a snot for no reason. The doc just asked a question, right?
This should be three sentences, not two. Her snotty attitude does not have me hooked. Maybe if I knew first why she felt that way.
Not a fan of the first person voice. Also, this sounds a lot like the opening of Catcher in the Rye. I'd probably read a bit further just to see if there's solid tension introduced in the chapter.
I don't like "snotty."...witchy with a b would be better. But then, I have a houseful of sick people so my opinion may be skewed.