Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 27

Prologue:

"So, why are you here today?" the doctor's mousey brown hair wisps across her face as she looks up at me. My mind races through a million snotty things to say.

15 comments:

JS Bangs said...

Sounds like a strong YA voice. The second sentence is the hook, so try shortening the first.

DCS said...

I like the way you are taking this.

storm grant said...

I like this because it's an experience we can all relate to. So many things I'd like to say to doctors but don't. ;-)

Wulf said...

The second sentence is strong, hooked.

The first sentence could be stronger, edgier.

AC said...

I liked this, although I'm not crazy about the present tense. but I hope you make it work!

Ardyth said...

Grammatically I think this should be three sentences, because that's description, not a tag, that the doctor is doing. I think you should capitalize it and make it three instead of two.

Sponge said...

According to the way my mom uses the word "mousey" - it's means 'plain'. Is that how you mean it here?

*** This does have a good YA voice, and I would read on.

Merc said...

"the" in the second sentence needs to be capped, as the action is not a tag line.
The (technically) third sentence is what interested me, but not enough to really pull me in, sorry. Also, I'm wary about prologues.

Bethlene said...

I like it. I would read on to see if they did say any of the snotty things and why they feel inclined to think that way. And most of all, why they're at a doctor's office they don't like.

fairchild said...

Uhm...why would the MC want to say snotty things to the doctor? I guess I'd have to read on to find out, but from this I see no indication that the doctor would deserve rude remarks, thus leaving me feeling cold towards the MC.

Not hooked.

Opinionator said...

I like it. I get a strong visual of the female doctor with bad hair habits who speaks in an impersonal voice.

Anette J Kres said...

There are three sentences here. Since the line about the doctor has nothing to do with what she said, it should start with a capital “The.” Based on these lines I wouldn’t really be hooked, because it sounds like the narrator is being a snot for no reason. The doc just asked a question, right?

Feywriter said...

This should be three sentences, not two. Her snotty attitude does not have me hooked. Maybe if I knew first why she felt that way.

Lori said...

Not a fan of the first person voice. Also, this sounds a lot like the opening of Catcher in the Rye. I'd probably read a bit further just to see if there's solid tension introduced in the chapter.

Julie Butcher-Fedynich said...

I don't like "snotty."...witchy with a b would be better. But then, I have a houseful of sick people so my opinion may be skewed.