Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 28

My eyes squint against the sudden light and I'm gasping for breath. Why am I squinting?

20 comments:

  1. Because of the sudden light? :) I'm not fond of the question here. Maybe giving us more of the situation instead would offer a more compelling hook.

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  2. I don't know why you're squinting, either, but you're not giving me a strong reason to care.

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  3. How about this for a second sentence: Why?

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  4. Didn't like the second sentence. How about what the narrator does about it instead?

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  5. This could be worded better, in my personal opinion.

    A couple examples:

    "I squint against the sudden light, gasping for breath."

    "Squinting against the sudden light, I gasped for breath."

    The question posed in the second sentence seems strange and unnecessary since you've given a reason for squinting in the first sentence.

    Hope that helps. Keep at it!

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  7. I agree with everyone else. Also, present tense is often hard to do well and continue throughout an entire book.

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  8. Duh! Didn't hook me at all. Just words on vitrual paper.

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  9. I suggest cutting the question and moving forward with what's causing the sudden light. That would have more hook for me.

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  10. Why am I squinting?

    Heh.

    You tell me.

    Not crazy about the first sentence, because it sounds like this person's body is taking over, and the person is passive and reacting to everything.

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  11. Er, no, sorry. I'm not found of how this is set up and the question isn't one I want to bother to answer. *shrugs*

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  12. First sentence I like, second stopped me. Instead of asking, explain why you're squinting.

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  13. ??? You squint because of the sudden light. How about 'where am I?' or 'who's shining the light?' or something more urgent.

    I'm not keen on first-person present tense.

    Not hooked.

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  14. You've just said you are squinting because of the sudden light, so the question sounds like a pop quiz. The following sentences might cause the question to make more sense, e.g., you explain the source of the sudden light. This would still require a rewrite. I find the idea of the opening quite sound, though. I feel myself perceiving light, squinting, gasping for breath... wondering what will happen next.

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  15. I'd rather know why she's gasping.

    And your second sentence can be read two ways. Is she wondering why she's squinting, which is how I originally read it.

    Or is she talking to the reader, saying "I bet you're wondering why I'm squinting?"

    Either way, why someone squints isn't enough for me.

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  16. I don’t like present tense. Beyond that, the second sentence seems unnecessary and your eyes seem to squint of their own volition. I’d probably put this book down without a second glance. I’ve only read one book I liked that was in present tense (Sirena) and I only liked it because the content made up for the irksome tense and it was poetic. Sorry, this wouldn’t hook me.

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  17. Not a fan of the first person voice. Also, I'm not feeling any tension about the squinting. What else is going on that would hook us into the story.

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  18. If there's a reason she normally wouldn't be squinting in this situation, then work it into the question: "Why am I squinting, when [or if] such and such is usually the case."

    As it is, the question is a big turnoff. Not hooked.

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  19. Is this a trick question? I'm reminded of Battle of the Jaywalk All-Stars. **shudder**

    I'd suggest finding a second sentence. :-)

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