Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 31

The blood on the floor reminded Nicholas Avery of butterfly wings. It spread from beneath a pair of wounds in the dead man's back, pooling across the floor in two directions.

16 comments:

gypsywitch said...

If the man is still laying down, how does Nicholas know how many wounds there are? Can he see through the man or are the wounds that apparent from the front? There's a dead guy and I like the butterfly wings image so I'd call it a good hook.

TerriRainer said...

I liked the picture that you painted in only two sentences, I'd read on.

:) Terri

Wulf said...

agreed about the "two wounds"... can the blood just spread from his back? how about in "both" directions instead of "two"?

Also, unless Nicholas Avery is a sick puppy, he better at least be bothered by the idea that he sees a trail of blood as butterfly wings.

The Freudish folk would have something to say about that.

Jeannie Ruesch said...

This is a great hook. It gives me an instant view of what he's seeing... I would definitely read more.

(one note: butterfly wings are pretty delicate and small. Perhaps something with more power?)

Ardyth said...

Not my sort of story, but for this genre the opening seems strong.

Sponge said...

I'm not sure if I make butterfly connection... and how uneven is this floor ?

Merc said...

Well, this is what hooked me to read the novel in the first place so I'm gonna have to say yes. ;)

Bethlene said...

Very Poetic. Disgusting, but nicely written. I'd probably read on to find out how creepy it's going to get.

fairchild said...

Hmm...good imagery. And the fact that this is how our MC sees the blood makes me wonder what kind of MC we're dealing with. If a serial killer, I'd drop the book. If a detective or something else, I'd read on.

Opinionator said...

Very nice. Classy even.

Anette J Kres said...

Nice iconic imagery. I would keep reading.

Lori said...

Definitely like this, save the fact that MC introduces himself with both names, where most people don't do that when in their own POV.

bloggingexperiments said...

I want to know how Nicholas can see the two wounds in the man's back if the blood is pooling BENEATH them. But hey, you've got blood and a dead guy...great tension right away.

Feywriter said...

Great imagery. But I would wonder how uneven the floor is to have blood running more than one direction, unless it is simply pooling.

disorderly said...

Wow. Hm. I like the image of blood as butterfly wings. I wonder, though: How does Nicholas know the dead man has two holes in his back? (It sounds like the body is lying on its back at this point, and if it had been disturbed in order to find the two holes, wouldn't the bloody wings have been smeared? These are the sorts of questions that keep me up at night....)

I'm intrigued, though. Blood always gets my attention, as do victims who have been shot in the back--twice, no less. So do MCs with psychological issues. (Blood as butterfly wings? Some shrink would love to get a-hold of that.) I'd read on. :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks All!

Here's the revised sentence:

The blood pooling under the dead man’s back reminded Nicholas Avery of butterfly wings. It spread from the twin wounds, sweeping to each side in graceful arcs that sparkled beneath the kitchen lights.

And disorderly, he knows the man was shot twice in the back because he shot him. Oh! The plot thickens...

fairchild, he's a CIA officer

Jeannie, the title of the book is "Monarch" so butterfly wings it is. :)

Thanks again, everybody. Much appreciation.