Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 4

Revenge could wait for sunrise.

Alkibiades sat in a black sedan, just outside the house.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

I like this, and I'd read more. But that name is a little much.

-fudgie

Anonymous said...

I agree, the name is too much. I had to reread the name a few times just to figure out the pronounication. I do like the story idea though.

Wulf said...

Fun hook! I'd read on.

You could give him a shortened version of the name and keep the full as his official. That would make a fun story element.

gypsywitch said...

I skimmed the name but the rest has a good hook to it.

Bethlene said...

Revenge is a good hook. I'd like a little more about the person waiting. They are very short sentences that could use a little more to make me want to read on. I'd probably read the next paragraph to decide if I'd read more.

Lady Glamis said...

I can't even pronounce the name, which I don't like in any story, but I'd read on still.

You have a great hook. Wondering why revenge could wait . . . :)

Jeannie Ruesch said...

Great opening sentence. The name is hard to pronounce, gives me a sci-fi feeling. If it doesn't have a specific purpose, I'd suggest something a little more simple, easier to read.

The Screaming Guppy said...

The first sentence is great. I think the second was is pretty boring. And I agree that the name is a bit over the top.

I am curious though. I'd keep reading.

Merc said...

Hmm, I'm on the fence. I rather like the first line, and the name Alkibiades, and I'm assuming a few more lines will help connect the two statements... but just seeing the two here, something doesn't click for me. Sorry I can't pinpoint what it is. I'd probably read on for a bit, though.

Feywriter said...

I like it. I do hope Alk isn't a major character, or is usually referred to with a nickname, though. It's a mouthful.

disorderly said...

I like this. Definitely hooked. I wouldn't worry too much about the name. If the rest of the story is strong, readers will either 1) make up their own pronunciation or 2) forgive you. (Bear in mind this is coming from a person who throws "dead" foreign words containing characters that don't even exist in English into stories with reckless abandon, so you might want to view that bit of advice from a safe distance.)

Sponge said...

I'm twisting my tongue out of joint trying to pronounce that name. But I like the fact he's sitting in a black sedan, for some reason.

Yes, I'd read on.

Daria Drake said...

I loved the first sentence; it's a great hook!

The second sentence is kind of generic, though. Rather than having him waiting, how about have him doing something revealing while he waits in the limo? Some telling detail that gives you a glimpse into his personality? Is he watching something? Fidgeting with his fountain pen? Fantasizing about his girlfriend? Pondering the meaning of his life? Assembling a sniper rifle? Making a grocery list? :)

The name Alkibiades worked for me, but I'm an ancient history buff who reads (and writes) fantasy. I say go ahead and keep it if fits the character and the genre (I don't read a lot of mysteries, but the comic ones tend to have protagonists with unusual names; so do the protagonists of comic novels in any any genre. Same for quirky litfic.)

fairchild said...

The name tripped me up. But I like the premise so I'd read further.

Opinionator said...

If this were a two-line novel, I'd put the second sentence first. In this order, there is a complete thought there, a complete picture. The test, of course, is to read the first several sentences out loud and see how they hang together.

Barb said...

I'd read on, but I'd turn the sentences around -- first sentence second, second sentence first.

And an easier name would be nice.

Anette J Kres said...

Unpronounceable name… The first sentence turned me on and the second turned me off. I’d read enough to see what the next couple paragraphs would do.

Charlie said...

I agree with Barb about turning the sentences around. I thought at first Revenge was someone's name because I'm reading a novel right now that uses names like that. If the sentences were turned around it would really hook me.

Lori said...

Good opening! Ditto that I couldn't figure out how to pronounce the name, though. But yeah, I'd read on.