Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 43

Jessana Peakes opened the door to her tiny cupboard-room with her mind still firmly on the test. She'd been doing well in Poisons, but she had a feeling she'd just flunked the final exam.

18 comments:

DCS said...

Now you've got me asking: did she give too much or too little poison? Good hook!

JS Bangs said...

The mention of "Poisons" makes me think of Potter fanfic...

Jeannie Ruesch said...

"with her mind still firmly on the test." Delete this. You show it in the second sentence.

I think this could be stronger. Maybe start with what she'd done to flunk the final exam in Poisons? Had she poisoned something or someone? I'm not curious enough to keep reading.

Wulf said...

A bit to trim, as already mentioned, but fun. I'd read on a bit.

AC said...

'Poisons' made me think of Harry Potter, too. And maybe a reason she flunked the exam would make for a more exciting opener than just opening a door...like did she poison her teacher? Kill the test subject? Fail to kill the test subject?

Lady Glamis said...

This had me thinking Harry Potter the first time I read it, too. And I think that with this exciting character, you could open the novel with a bit more umph.

But I would read on, for sure!

The Screaming Guppy said...

I'm with Harry Potter look-a-like feeling. I think this is a bad way to open because the audience for this type of novel seems like it would be the same as Harry Potter. And if anyone as read Harry Potter, they are going to think it's a knock off.

Sponge said...

cupboard...room?

Sounds like a fantasy. This is verging on a cliche beginning (I've seen a lot of stories start off with a character worrying over flunking out of magic/math/etc class), but it promises enough that I would eagerly grab the page and read on.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'm hooked. You can leave out cupboard though.

Where're all the Harry Potter comparisons coming from? It says Poisons not Potions.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Stina!

Gah, the terrors of only the first two sentences... I shall refrain from the 'but, but, read on!' and merely promise that's it's NOTHING like Harry Potter.

Merc said...

It's the second sentence that hooks, of course. ;) *is again biased, as she is reading the novel*

fairchild said...

Is her room an actual cupboard?

That tripped me up a bit, but if she is attending classes that teach poisoning, I think this is a fantasy, and, therefore, is not my genre.

Bethlene said...

Too many similarities to Harry Potter for me to be hooked.

Anette J Kres said...

This sounds way too much like Harry Potter. The cupboard room? Poisons? Yeah, I’d pass. Not because I don’t like Harry Potter. I do. I just don’t read things that don’t sound original.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Maybe, just maybe, the student was studying criminology. And my room in nursing school was about the size of a walk-in closet. People, get over the whole Harry Potter comparison.

Lori said...

The "cubbard-room" comment immediately puts me in mind of Harry Potter, but the poisons test has me intrigued. I'd read on.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

I'd love to know what genre this book really was. Was it a written exam or a practical one?

Anonymous said...

Stina, you are my new best friend *grins* Criminology is very close.

Genre - paranormal suspense. Probably older YA, but the protag is early 20's.

Likenesses to Harry Potter - er, it's an Academy for the Shards, Assassins of Fate. So, they both are set in a school/college... But that's about it.