Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 54

The drive to Brooke’s home for the coming month was long and lonely. Although her aunt talked a lot, most of it was into her cell phone, which gave Brooke plenty of time to fume about staying behind while her father was on the trip of a lifetime in Africa.

11 comments:

DCS said...

If you end the second sentence after "cell phone" I am hooked. I don't want to hear about dad's African trip just yet, but Brooke's ill ease is something that interests me.

AC said...

I'm hooked--I'd definitely read on. Dad's in Africa and she's stuck behind? This hopefully means she's about to have her own adventure and I want to know about it!

Would it be appropriate to clarify "Brooke's home for the coming month" with "Brooke's new home for the coming month?" I just reread it because originally I thought she was going back to her house.

Wulf said...

A little long, just short of run-on imo, but still a strong premise and definitely worth reading a para or two.

Christine said...

I see lots of potential but a poorly written sentence. I'd be upset too if my dad left for an awesome "trip of a lifetime" in Africa without me - you feel for Brooke even though you just met her. Fix the sentence and you're on your way!

Sponge said...

Second sentence has a lot of stuff crammed into it....

fairchild said...

Interesting premise. I'd read on.

Just_Me said...

Probably a good set up for a YA coming-of-age, but it doesn't sound like my kind of book.

Bethlene said...

I'm intrigued. But it's a bit confusing in sentence one. I think if you could fix it to be better understood, it wouldn't put me off. Sentence two is better. I'd probably ignore my confusion and read on to see what came next.

Lori said...

Mostly backstory, with nothing actually happening save that the character is driving. What about starting with her in the new environment?

Anette J Kres said...

It seems a little unclear. What I get is that a child/teenager named Brooke is being watched by an aunt in her own house (Brooke and her parent’s house) while her father is in Africa. Since there is no mention of the mother, I’m assuming she’s dead or gone. And if she’s staying in her own home, why is she having to ride in the car for a long time to get there? “Trip of a lifetime” sounds cliché, sorry. Overall, I like the distracted aunt and the angsty teen bit, but I think wording could be a little clearer.

bloggingexperiments said...

The second sentence is way too long. Shorten it and with the first sentence, I like it. I want to know what's up with Brooke.