Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 58

There had been many interruptions at the meetings at Coney Island over the years, but none like this. The intruders were outnumbered but they had fury and surprise on their side.

13 comments:

Lapillus said...

I don't think these sentences are worded to their best advantage. There is some key information presented but it's coming across rather muddled. Maybe try some rewording.

AC said...

Erm...it might be more of a grab if you'd clarify 'interruptions' with a more exciting word, like "attacks" or "kidnappings" or whatever works with your story. The first sentence is just so vague.

AC said...

Oh, and the original and inestimable Miss Snark always said never to use "had been"; just say "were" or something similar.

Wulf said...

The wording is odd and weakens the writing, but the voice is fun and I'd read a bit more before deciding.

Just_Me said...

Just open with the attack.

JS Bangs said...

Too much tell, not enough to make me care. And WTF font?

Sponge said...

"and surprise" <- I think you meant 'element of surprise'.

I sat here for a second wondering how surprise and fury went together in a good way.

I would read on a little bit to see who's been meeting at Coney Island.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Based on the first two sentences, I'd start out with action. Show the fury and surprise. Don't tell us.

You need a more exciting word than interruptions.

fairchild said...

I'm assuming this involves creatures? I think you could clarify, or just state what's going on as the vagueness is putting me off.

I might read on to find out who the intruders are and what kind of meeting is taking place.

Bethlene said...

I feel like I'm in the middle of the story and have missed something, rather than the beginning. I might read on a little more to see if it keeps my attention. But these two don't interest me enough alone.

Lori said...

Not hooked yet, sorry. There's no sense of a narrator at all, and the first line is all backstory, not present tension.

disorderly said...

The "had been" threw me out right away. I also find this a bit too vague and rudderless. Depending upon your POV character and where this is going, you could create tension and suspense by mentioning some small, extraordinary detail of the meeting (a clock ticking like a bomb, the eerie quiet just before the attack, a particularly forceful line of dialogue, etc.). Or, you could just start with the invaders rushing into the meeting, which would give you an opportunity to SHOW the element of surprise and fury they had on their side.

I suspect these two lines make perfect sense to someone who knows the story, but they're just a bit too close to the vest for those of us who don't -- either a smidgen too early or too late in the scene, IMO.

Anette J Kres said...

Hmmm, yeah, I’ll bite. I’m intrigued enough to ask what the meetings are for and who these angry intruders are. It sounds like a physical attack, which could be interesting and if I had to guess, I would think they were not of the human sort. Good hook.