Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 62

I skimmed the dresses with my hand and watched the dancing dust. Everything in my closet was black -- not trendy black, but pilled, stretchy, frumpy and faded black.

18 comments:

  1. I like the second sentence better than the first. Watching dust isn't exciting, but there is huge potential to expand on the frustration packed into that second sentence.

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  2. Wondering what all that black is for . . .

    I would read on.

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  3. Sounds like my wardrobe, haha.

    I'd keep reading.

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  4. This opening sounds so melancholy. I would read on to find out why.

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  5. Not sure about "pilled" but yep. I like this.

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  6. I'd maybe read on just to see what the black is all for (unless she's like me and dresses in black because she thinks it suits her). However, I think this is a weak hook. Maybe giving a teensy hint about the color choice would be a step in the right direction?

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  7. Dancing dust is silly, but skimming the dresses with a hand isn't. And the second sentence, wow that's great :)

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  8. "and watched dust dance" I think would work better, to show the dust moving was coming from the dress.

    I'm not sure where you're headed for with this.

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  9. I'm intrigued. I'd read more. I got an instant picture of her hand on the dresses.

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  10. It doesn't come off as my type of genre, but there is something intriguing about the second sentence. Hopefully the action is only a few sentences away.

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  11. Hmm...a woman looking for something to wear doesn't really grab me. I'd pass.

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  12. I like it. Maybe I would reverse the order of the sentences. The "dancing dust" gives me a visual of clothes not worn for a very long time. The proof of the sentences is in what follows. In that context, this could be a quite strong opening.

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  13. Hey -- who's been in my closet?! **glancing around suspiciously**

    I'd have to read more of this. That description of the clothing is just too good. :-)

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  14. How sad for this character. I'm slightly intrigued to read on and find out why she has so much black that she hates. Hopefully the next part would have intrigue.

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  15. Sorry, but not hooked. Nothing is happening. Just a character musing about the current state of things, rather than facing them head on with the intent of strengthening her character.

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  16. I had to read the first sentence twice to work out what was happening. But yes, I would read on.

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  17. The narrator sounds dead. Dust on the clothes. Black everywhere. Sorta cliché. The most interesting part is the fact that they are frumpy and faded. Not really hooked.

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  18. It's not take-me-by-the-throat hooky, but I like it enough that I'd read on. there's a good sense of voice, I think :)

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