Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 68

I detest all tropical parasites.

Topping my list, as he had for three months running, was Paul Rachec, aka the Moocher, a baby-faced thief and con artist, a man to whom you'd sooner extend your fist than your hand, a man who wore an unrelenting smirk even as he slept.

17 comments:

AC said...

I like the way you did this, except that I felt like his description was too long. It could be snappier if you maybe took out the "con artist" part and the "unrelenting smirk" phrase--I feel like I've read those too many times before. Definitely keep the "you'd sooner extend your fist than your hand." That's a fantastic description.

Lady Glamis said...

I liked this a lot. I agree with AC, the description would work better shorter.

Sponge said...

You might need a tie in between the first and L-O-N-G second sentence - like:

...parastes; especially the two legged kind.

Christine said...

I don't understand what parasites have to do with a thief. I loved this part: "a man who wore an unrelenting smirk even as he slept."

Jeannie Ruesch said...

I'm not sure what sentence #1 has to do with sentence #2 (which is really long, by the way). I love the voice in sentence #2. It's a bit long, and that could be reworked a bit, but the voice pulls you in.

Wulf said...

"I detest all tropical parasites."
precious all alone

Even better when it suddenly challenges my assumption and turns out to be about another person.

My only nit is the word "tropical"... what exactly makes him "tropical"? Does he wear a bamboo hat? Hawaiian shirts? Bermuda shorts and flip-flops?

Just_Me said...

Meh, the voice is strong but it doesn't sound like my cuppa.

JS Bangs said...

The voice is strong, and we immediately have two interesting characters: the narrator, and the parasite. Nicely done.

fairchild said...

I like it. Paul wearing a smirk as he slept really sold it for me.

I'd read on.

Opinionator said...

I like it. I got a strong visual.

disorderly said...

Just out of curiosity, is there anyone who adores tropical parasites?

I love the voice here, but the first line didn't really sing for me. The description of the Moocher was brilliant, IMO, especially the part about the smirk. I can't escape the suspicion there's something about that first sentence that could be spicier, though. I'd definitely read on. :-)

Scribess said...

I loved the twist on a person being a "tropical parasite," but I agree with the other assessments--the second sentence is too long. And I also wonder about the use of "tropical." Still, I'd read on.

Lori said...

Ditto on the comments that the second line was too long and complicated. I'm not quite sure the transition between these two sentences is strong enough, either.

Bethlene said...

It's pretty funny to compare the hated man to a parasite. I think I'd read on to see what this guy did to earn this wrath.

Suzanne said...

I love the first line. Love it, love it, love it. I thought the second was a little clunky, but with some trimming it would rock. I agree with questional the word "tropical" but hey, I know alot of guys who only wear hawaiian shirts. With clarification it would work.

Anette J Kres said...

The first sentence caught me. The second told me we were talking about the humanoid sort of parasite rather than the smaller suspects, which further intrigued me. But the second sentence is quite long and could easily be two. Also, it would bother me to no end that a book said “aka” instead of “also known as” unless it was in dialogue, which this isn’t. Other than making my nerves twitch, your use of aka tells me that the narrator is young, modern, and computer oriented. Was that the intended effect?

Inkblot said...

Second sentence is waaaay too long, but I love the concept :D I'd read on.