Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS2

TITLE:An Uncivilized Yankee
GENRE:Historical Fantasy/Romance

It was the dryad who warned Travis that there were Confederate soldiers already on his side of the Chickhominy.

21 comments:

Amethyst Greye Alexander said...

While the juxtaposition of a Confederate soldior and a dryad is definitely catching the actual sentence structure feels bulky. This one's iffy for me.

Amethyst

Tracey S. Rosenberg said...

I'm more interested in the dryad than the Confederate soldiers, myself, but I guess if you can reach an audience that likes both, you're onto a winner...!

I'm not really thrilled about the weak verbs here - 'It was' quickly followed by 'there were'. I can see not starting with 'The dryad warned Travis' but maybe something stronger mid-sentence?

Gillian said...

Yes! I'm hooked. I agree with the weak verbs, but the concept is really interesting.

Conni said...

I'm with Tracey, I think.

Being Beth said...

I would read on. I like the blend of history, mythology and the promise of a little romance. Agree with others about the passive tense.

adrcremer said...

Also on board with the passive tense issue, but I loved the idea of dryads at the Civil War.

Jaime Theler said...

I like the concept, but agree with it being too passive. You could easily say something like: "The dryad warned Travis of the Confederate soldiers already on his side of the Chickhominy." Not spectacular but already more active.

Lizzle said...

I like this. I'd read more.

Jeanne Ryan said...

The order is messing me up. Since Travis is the character named, I'm assuming he is the main character, yet the first one introduced in the dryad.

This is telling rather than showing. If the dryad warns Travis, then show that. Was it through dialogue or some other way? This gives you a chance to paint a picture for me beyond "dryad" and "Travis."n This is romance and romance is built on vivid descriptions.

This is an awesome concept and I'd read for that reason alone, but I'm not crazy for the prose.

romoak said...

Agree with the above. Love the concept, but the sentence is too passive. I would love to 'see' the scene of the dryad actually warning him.

Judy said...

I would read on!

Merc said...

I love the idea of a dryads mixed in with a Civil War story, but I think the sentence reads too passively. "The dryad warned Travis that Confederate soldiers had crossed his side of the Chickhominy" might be more active.

But really, I'd like to see it more--maybe, The dryad [verbed] up to Travis, [maybe doing something descriptive and actiony]. "Confederate soldiers are on this side of the Chickhominy," she said. Travis [reacted].

Not one sentence, granted, but if you show it a bit more, I think the concept itself is strong enough to make an awesome hook. :)

Good luck!

LAra said...

agree with Mrec.

puzzlehouse said...

I agree with Jeanne Ryan and Merc.

Good title, interesting concept, but not a big wow for me, sorry.

celestialgldfsh said...

I am intrigued by the blend of a dryad and Confederate soldiers. That alone snares me.

Alice said...

Hooked by the great juxtaposition. Although the sentence could use tightening. I'd keep reading.

nessili said...

Author here.

Thanks for all the comments! I know it's passive voice, but hadn't found a better way to word it without ruining the flow of the rest of the paragraph. (that and passive voice doesn't bother me as much as it should--I think it comes from reading too much Tolkien)

Many thanks to all of you who said the concept sounds interesting. I started out writing straight historical romance, and the stories just weren't working. So I fell back on my other favorite genre, threw in a whole bunch of fantasy elements, and things started to gel a lot better. That's actually what I was trying to get a feel for, whether or not I should keep pushing this way or not. So, thanks for the encouragement!

(And loads o' thanks to authoress for doing this in the first place!)

Dominique said...

Wait, what? Can you do that? Put dryads and Confederates together? I'm not sure if my mind can allow this. If I kept reading, you'd be on probation.

Peter said...

To lose the passive: The dryad warned Travis the Confederate soldiers were already on his side of the Chickhominy.

Good concept...very interesting.

Lunatic said...

Sorry, but I'd pass as well, and not based on content which, I too, find interesting.

Starting a book with "It was the dryad who" conveys a sense that there had been some question as to who had actually informed him. You know, who told him" It was the dryad. Short of a situation like that, I'd like a cleaner sentence structure, as well as some idea within the sentence as to how travis felt about it. Something like "Thank God the dryad had warned Travis Confederate soldiers had crossed the Chichominy."

That way, you already start to get some sense of who he is to go along with the situation itself.

Fred

Xiexie said...

I echo Peter's elimination of the passive.