Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS50

TITLE: SHOE STRINGS
GENRE: Women's Fiction


Angelita Barros was as determined to hide her success as she’d been only a few years before to build it.

29 comments:

redqueen1 said...

It feels a little awkward. I don't think I'd keep reading.

vrleavitt said...

As another person said, a little awkward, but I get what you're trying to say. A little re-working and you could probably get your point across more powerfully. The fact she's trying to hide her success is interesting.

Deb S said...

Not crazy about the structure of this sentence. I had to read it a couple times to grasp the meaning.

Amy Sue Nathan said...

This sentence is confusing. Try taking out your inactive verbs and making it active.

Angelita hid her success...

Angelita built...

I am not hooked.

Lizzle said...

What you are trying to say is interesting and I'd read on. If I picked up a book with this first line, I'd put it down because of the way I had to stop and reread. So, work on clarity and I think you'll be fine.

Tracey S. Rosenberg said...

I can see what you're aiming for, but I have to agree with the other commenters that it isn't the strongest possible structure.

I wonder if you even *need* the second part of the sentence. "Angelita Barros was determined to hide her success" implies that she HAD been working hard to become successful - I suppose some people can become successful without working hard, but I don't know any offhand! And it makes me question WHY she would want to hide it, and I'd read on to find out.

c.e.lawson said...

I did wonder why she wanted to hide her success, so I may have kept reading, but I think you could work on the punch/flow/clarity of this first sentence. It tripped me up a bit.

Jane said...

I agree...this is grammatically awkward.

Jaime Theler said...

I'm sorry, it's confusing.

Peter said...

I think it's the immediacy of 'was as determined' that sets the rest of the sentence up poorly. I like the concept (of trying to hide what you worked so hard to, for lack of a better term, show)...but this phrasing is distracting from the concept.

Amy said...

I'm sorry, I had to read it three times to figure out the meaning. That's two too many times. It's the second half of the sentence that's awkward.

Concept is okay though.

Litgirl01 said...

Definitely restucture the sentence. I'd love to know why she wants to hide her success! ;-)

Lara said...

The idea is intersting, but the working is awkward.

Anonymous said...

Too confusing. I don't think I'd read any further.

puzzlehouse said...

Like many others, I had to read it a few times before it was clear. Sorry.

celestialgldfsh said...

I see what you're trying to say, but I agree with the others - it's awkward.

spades said...

Not hooked. Confusing.

Merc said...

The wording is awkward, and I had to read it three times to understand what you were saying. Sorry, not hooked.

rosepddle said...

I have to agree with the others, it's confusing. I think as writers we get overly clever and end up making it a bit awkward. I know I'm guilty of it sometimes.

Writeaholic said...

I like the premise, but feel the opening sentence was a bit confusing. I am intrigued by why she would want to hide her success -- what happened to make her feel that way? That would make me read on.

Dominique said...

It's was a tad awkward; it didn't fit well in my mouth. But, it sounds like it's setting up a good premise, so I'd read the rest of the paragraph.

Hayley E. Lavik said...

This raises a good initial 'Why?', but doesn't roll off the tongue, so it would put me off from reading farther. I agree with previous comments about the passive language and confusing phrasing. I like the suggestion of cutting it down to just 'determined to hide her success', and give the rest later.

As another thought, you could try rephrasing it to something along the lines of: "Four years trying to build her success, and now Angelita struggled to hide it."

LoriStrongin said...

I kinda had to read this sentence several times to understand what your intent was. It feels complicated and overly written. I think it was that "as...as" phrasing that really lost me here.

Christina said...

Its a little confusing or awkward.

Jada said...

I agree that it is awkward, but it did make me wonder why she was determined to hide her success. If I'd picked this up in a bookstore I'd probably skim the first page.

Locksley said...
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Locksley said...
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Locksley said...

Building isn't the opposite of hiding, toutimg or showing off is. This may account for some of the confusion mentioned previously ... so A B ably hid her success as well as she used to tout it...or something like that...I agree with just saying something like she started ti hide her success.

pebbleintx said...

I like women's fiction, I'm curious and I'd keep reading.