Thursday, March 25, 2010

32 Dystopian

TITLE: (untitled)
GENRE: Dystopian


Rain spatters across a weathered stone obelisk. Lisa Crane gathers her cloak against the chill, reading grandpa’s epitaph.

John Crane
Genocidal Madman
Savior of Humanity

21 comments:

  1. I hated the 3rd person present, it just isn't working here, but that epitaph? Oh yeah, I'm reading on!

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  2. I'm not sure about this one. I mostly like it by the "grandpa" threw me off. Is it her grandpa or the narrator's?

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  3. I like obelisks. Just a cool word.

    The present tense threw me though. (My rule is that if it's invisible to me, it works. If I notice...)

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  4. The only part I like is the epitaph, but I would probably read on

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  5. I'd read on...though, would someone really write "genocidal madman" on a dedication...especially if he's later known as a savior of mankind? *shrug*


    Wordver: uniter

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  6. I don't know, it seems a bit much. But I'd read more.

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  7. The epitaph hooked me, but the present tense is a turn-off. I'm not really sure how long I'd give this one to drag me in.

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  8. I'm curious enough to read onward because of the epitaph, but if this is Lisa's grandfather the line should read "her grandpa's epitaph." It's not first-person, after all.

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  9. I don't like the present tense, but this intrigues me. I think fairchild has a good point; would someone really put "genocidal madman" on a tombstone, especially if Grandpa is also humanity's savior?

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  10. I like the epitaph, but 3rd person present threw me -- reminds me of a choose your own adventure for some reason. That being said, I like the tone and I'd read on.

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  11. The epitaph is enough to hook me. And genocidal madman could be on the stone if it wasn't a loved one who commissioned it. A corp. or govt. agency would be cold enough to come up with something like that.

    Third person might work better for you, but that's a personal choice.

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  12. Great idea and great writing! HOOKED

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  13. Mostly hooked.

    I like the epitaph, but the present tense totally irks me. Would like to read the story, but not sure I could get past the annoyance.

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  14. Although I'm not a fan of the present tense, I was hooked by what was on her grandfather's epitaph. I would certainly try to read further, but again, the tense could become bothersome.

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  15. LOVE the epitaph! Not sold on the present tense. Works with some and not others--I'd have to read more to see (but I want to read more!).

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  16. Hooked. I liked it despite present tense. I believe it would be better in past.

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  17. *cackles* Okay, yes, hooked. I wasn't really pulled in by the opening lines, but the epitaph sold me.

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  18. I also wasn't thrilled with the tense/pov but it was more the two sentences that could have been one and not capitalizing Grandpa that annoyed me.

    That said, you completely redeemed yourself with the epitaph!

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