Thursday, March 25, 2010

32 Dystopian

TITLE: (untitled)
GENRE: Dystopian


Rain spatters across a weathered stone obelisk. Lisa Crane gathers her cloak against the chill, reading grandpa’s epitaph.

John Crane
Genocidal Madman
Savior of Humanity

21 comments:

Angela said...

Interesting...Hooked...

Lianne said...

I hated the 3rd person present, it just isn't working here, but that epitaph? Oh yeah, I'm reading on!

school_of_tyrannus said...

I love it! I want to read more.

Holly Bodger said...

I'm not sure about this one. I mostly like it by the "grandpa" threw me off. Is it her grandpa or the narrator's?

Jodi Meadows said...

I like obelisks. Just a cool word.

The present tense threw me though. (My rule is that if it's invisible to me, it works. If I notice...)

Megalicious said...

The only part I like is the epitaph, but I would probably read on

fairchild said...

I'd read on...though, would someone really write "genocidal madman" on a dedication...especially if he's later known as a savior of mankind? *shrug*


Wordver: uniter

Krista V. (the former Krista G.) said...

That epitaph is definitely hooking:)

Momwoman said...

I don't know, it seems a bit much. But I'd read more.

Selestial said...

The epitaph hooked me, but the present tense is a turn-off. I'm not really sure how long I'd give this one to drag me in.

Beth said...

I'm curious enough to read onward because of the epitaph, but if this is Lisa's grandfather the line should read "her grandpa's epitaph." It's not first-person, after all.

Sandra Ulbrich Almazan said...

I don't like the present tense, but this intrigues me. I think fairchild has a good point; would someone really put "genocidal madman" on a tombstone, especially if Grandpa is also humanity's savior?

Bane of Anubis said...

I like the epitaph, but 3rd person present threw me -- reminds me of a choose your own adventure for some reason. That being said, I like the tone and I'd read on.

Barbara said...

The epitaph is enough to hook me. And genocidal madman could be on the stone if it wasn't a loved one who commissioned it. A corp. or govt. agency would be cold enough to come up with something like that.

Third person might work better for you, but that's a personal choice.

Carolyn said...

Great idea and great writing! HOOKED

Iris said...

Mostly hooked.

I like the epitaph, but the present tense totally irks me. Would like to read the story, but not sure I could get past the annoyance.

MK said...

Although I'm not a fan of the present tense, I was hooked by what was on her grandfather's epitaph. I would certainly try to read further, but again, the tense could become bothersome.

Mary Brebner said...

LOVE the epitaph! Not sold on the present tense. Works with some and not others--I'd have to read more to see (but I want to read more!).

Cat said...

Hooked. I liked it despite present tense. I believe it would be better in past.

Merc said...

*cackles* Okay, yes, hooked. I wasn't really pulled in by the opening lines, but the epitaph sold me.

Lyla said...

I also wasn't thrilled with the tense/pov but it was more the two sentences that could have been one and not capitalizing Grandpa that annoyed me.

That said, you completely redeemed yourself with the epitaph!