Thursday, March 25, 2010

8 Paranormal Romance

TITLE: Keeper
GENRE: Paranormal Romance



He was watching me that whole day, the entire time we were moving out of our house. I didn't know. But then, nobody ever does.

18 comments:

Angela said...

I'd flip flop the 1st sentence to fix the flow and I'm a little hooked..

Walter said...

Hooked.

Jodi Meadows said...

I like the idea more than I like the writing. I'd read a little more to see if the writing settled.

fairchild said...

Hooked. Seems appropriate for the genre, to me.

Juli Page Morgan said...

I'm hooked, and it was the last sentence that did it.

Catherine Kariaxi said...

I'm not entirely hooked yet.... I think the problem here was the forced tightness because of length. I don't know if she/he meant that nobody ever knows about the watcher or nobody ever watches the protagonist.

Deb Smythe said...

Intrigued. I'd read on.

Claire said...

I was about to say 'not hooked' then I couldn't figure out why I wasn't hooked. So, I'd have to give it a few more paragraphs to actually determine if I was hooked or not.

Momwoman said...

Pretty hooked. I'm worried about what's going to happen.

Kristi Faith said...

eh, I agree that it doesn't seem important if he's always watching people.

mbk3 said...

Kinda there. Watch out for the was/were VERB-ing giving way to passive voice. Try to use VERB-ed instead whenever possible. This gives me the feel that this guy watched the MC in a way that no one could know he watched her. Hmmm.

Barbara said...

I liked the first sentence. That was hooky. The second and third were too vague and turned me off. What didn't she know? If I knew, I might've read more.

Vicki said...

The wording is a little awkward, but I like where I think this is going. Semi-hooked.

Ash. Elizabeth said...

not hooked. the writing doesn't flow right.

The Girl Next Door said...

Thanks for the great feedback. Catherine K. was right. I had to take out a few words to hit the 25 maximum and it messed with the flow. Thanks for the input everyone!

melody colleen said...

I'm pretty much hooked with this one. But it sounds more like a thriller than a romance.

rhea said...

The story sounds like it would be interesting, but this snippet is all backstory. Not hooked.

Merc said...

Almost--the writing feels like it's lacking something, although I'm intrigued by what's going on.