Thursday, April 22, 2010

50 Words #37

TITLE: Claimed
GENRE: YA


I don't really know why you think hearing about Him from me will help you. If you want me to write everything I remember about my time at The Home, I can, but don't expect any big revelations. In some ways, you probably know more about Him than I do.

10 comments:

  1. The second person POV is interesting. I would keep reading to see where this goes.

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  2. Intriguing... I'd read a little further...

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  3. Him capitalized refers to God. If you are trying to emphasize it, I'd use italics. This capitalization threw me and kept me from being hooked.

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  4. I'm hooked. But, yeah, wondering if "Him" is God or who the MC is referring to...

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  5. I'm sorry, but not hooked. These are the thoughts of someone grumpy, disinterested, and slightly hostile to their listener. That's not a bad thing, but because the main character hasn't said anything intriguing yet, I don't feel any curiosity to listen to them further. You need to convince the reader this person is about to say something the reader wants to hear.

    Another quibble I have is that capitalizing Him and The Home gives me the impression of incomplete world-building--like these terms are place-holders you've stuck on until a better descriptive phrase occurs to you. They're just such generic words.

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  6. Interesting to be writing it like an exchange between two friends. Thought "Him" meant God, then when you referred to "The Home" I didn't think you meant heaven. So, I'm intrigued. Would give it a few more pages.

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  7. Interesting. I like the voice and would keep reading.

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  8. 'Him' is God generally and I don't think that's where you're going.

    If this slips into backstory or flashback, you'll lose me quickly unless that's got a strong hook in the first few lines.

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  9. I'm interested, but I don't really know what's going on. I'd read another page or so and if I didn't understand by then I'd stop.

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