Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #11

TITLE: Home Slayer
GENRE: Surburban Fantasy

At midnight, brother and sister stabbed each other to death atop a glass dome while vampires and hunters gasped in disbelief on the streets below.

8 comments:

Vincent Kale said...

A bit strong in the opening for my tastes. I like good visuals but this was a little much right off the bat and it might deter some readers from continuing.

On the other hand, it sure does inspire a lot of questions!

Berinn said...

Beautiful sentence... but I focus on reading the words instead of the story. Sounds very intriguing.

matril said...

I like this, but some of the phrasing feels a tad awkward. The way you have "brother and sister" without any articles sounds sort of like there's general groups of brothers and sisters stabbing each other up there. And I assume that's not what you're going for. Either add an article or two, or find another way to put it. Maybe names, if it's not too early for that?

Also, "gasped in disbelief" is kind of generic, especially when talking about collections of people. I would think they would have varied reactions, though of course too many details would be a bit much for the first sentence.

It has promise, but I would recommended some tightening to make it that much stronger and clearer. Good luck!

writerlass said...

For me, there is too much happening in this one sentence. I'd rather see the whole scene play out than be told what happened. If this is perhaps the introduction to the scene, I think it is a bit too dramatic. Maybe it would do better with a more subtle opening.

I would love to read more :)

H. Grant said...

You grabbed my attention, but the sentence was telling, not showing. The scene would work better if you could drop us in the middle of the gore instead of telling us it happened.

Barbara said...

It's intriguing, but it's all telling. Show me brother and sister on the dome. Show me the building. Show me the crowds below, and yes, show me them plunging their knives into each other.

PatEsden said...

I feel very distanced from this scene--emotionally and physically. If this is what you are going for, then you've done a great job. If you want the reader to have a strong emotional reaction to this, then I suggest you bring it in closer by putting the main character into the scene and showing action and detail.

I would read on and if the main character's relationship to this killing interests me, then I'd be sucked into the story.

Maggie L.P. said...

I agree with PatEsden that the description distances the reader. But maybe that's what you wanted. :) I would reorder the second half of the sentence to "while, on the streets below, vampires and hunters gasped in disbelief" - because disbelief is a higher-impact note to end on. Maybe horror would be better than disbelief???

I do like the scene you've created, though.