Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #30

TITLE: Gothic
GENRE: Horror

The snow along the trail was black as a raven. The burros' manes froze as they lugged ore carts up the hill.

12 comments:

  1. Black snow is a great place to start. I feel the cold and the dirt.

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  2. Agreed with the above comments. Love the dark/cold imagery!

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  3. Great imagery to start, and leaves me wanting to know more.

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  4. Intriguing start.

    One small suggestion: I would rewrite to do away with the apostrophe hanging in space after burros' -- the manes of the burros froze, or even call them donkeys.

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  5. Great - curious about the black snow. It makes me think perhaps they were near a coal mine or other similar thing.

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  6. I agree with H. Grant, otherwise, I would check out the next few sentences to see what it was all about!

    Good luck!

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  7. Good opening, but it could be even better if you gave us more. Tell us why the snow's black. I can picture black snow, but it makes me wonder why it's black. If you say black from soot or ash, I have a specific image in my head and I'm in your world instead of trying to figure it out.

    Instead of the burros having frozen manes, take the description a bit further. Show us the icicles hanging from the strands of hair.

    A close-up sucks us in deeper than a panoramic view.

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  8. I'm going to agree with Barbara. I think clarity instead of mystery would make this great opening even stronger. Love the details and that it's horror. Great choices of interesting details.

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  9. I don't read much horror. But I liked the visual I got on your opener. :)

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  10. The author of #30June 23, 2010 at 12:08 PM

    Thanks...

    I like the icicles idea.

    "apostrophe hanging" could easily change with the ice.

    And yes, it's a coal mine.

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  11. Tell us about the coal mine in the next paragraph or two - let the 'black snow' image hang in the reader's memory for a moment first. Very evocative.

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  12. Very good imagery -- really creates a sense of setting.

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