Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #32

TITLE: Book of the Baba Yaga
GENRE: Late middle reader/fantasy

Samantha Liffey peered down the shaft of her arrow at the gold bull's
eye in the center of the target thirty feet away.

15 comments:

  1. I think you either want to go with
    "golden bull's eye"
    or
    "gold bullseye"
    because the way it's written, it sounds like there's literally a cow's eye made of gold in the center of the target. If that's what you mean,you probably want "golden". Otherwise if it's just a bullseye go with the second.

    I like the title though.

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  2. I'm also struggling here - I thought at first she was shooting at a golden bull - and was a little disappointed to find out it was only a target.

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  3. Echoing the above comments. Other than that slight confusion, I like this opening.

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  4. Good beginning. I'd keep reading. Great title.

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  5. One nit pick: unless the character is fairly young, she would probably be standing farther then 30 feet as this is actually quite close.

    Otherwise, nice start, I'd continue.

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  6. I'm going to go against the grain here. I think you've tried to tell us too much in one sentence and would be inclined to split it in two. eg after "arrow". Then rearrange/tighten the second sentence: "Thirty feet away she could see the gold bullseye of the target."

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  7. I had the same thought as Maggie. Make it two sentences. It works, I think. It's just a heck of a mouthful to read and two sentences will make it easier.

    Samantha Liffey peered down the shaft of her arrow. Thirty feet away, the target's gold bullseye stared back.

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  8. The title would hook me. I love it!

    I like the way you get right into the story, but agree about the two sentences. A young girl with a bow and arrow would be a great read for boys as well as girls. I would definitely read on.

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  9. The sentence need a bit of tinkering as others have pointed out, but I think this is a great beginning. I'd read on.

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  10. Great title and character name... the target thing didn't grab me, but there's certainly a tension there. I'd read on.

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  11. I think you need a little rewording. I thought your mc was shooting a bull with a golden eye in the eye.

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  12. Agree about bullseye - it took me a minute to realize she wasn't shooting a bull. That said, love opening with a girl archer, and my daughter would love that, too. :)

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  13. Many dittos. Love the title!

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  14. I agree about the bullseye. I'm another one who thought it was literally a bull's eye she was shooting, at first. I was picturing a golden bull statue until I figured it out. If that was fixed I'd read on.

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