Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Logline Critique Session Two: #13

TITLE: Unvisible
GENRE: YA paranormal

Owen, an invisible high school senior in hiding from the organization that made him that way, risks his safety for a chance at the one thing he never thought he could have--a friend.

17 comments:

Krisz said...

Interesting plot. I'd like to know more about the organization that made him invisible, is it an evil organization, or was it just an unfortunate accident in some chemical research that made him invisible? Why does he have to hide? Is he in danger? Is the organization still looking for him? Did he escape? What are the stakes? What will happen if his invisibility is uncovered?

Tami said...

Is the risking safety to have a friend the point of the book or just the Inciting Incident?

If it's the inciting incident, then what happens as a result of it? Does he get found? What happens if he gets found? Is his new friend in trouble? Does he have to do anything to save them?

As written, it sounds like deciding to try to make a friend is the plot of the book, but I'll bet there's more to it than that.

Being invisible would have a lot of problems that came along with it, especially for a teenager. I'm curious to see how he deals with those problems, and the problem of making friends, but I'd like to know more about what to expect from the book itself.

Huntress said...

Owen is hiding from the organization that made him...what way? Invisible? Moody?

He risks his...what? Life? Security? Livelihood?

I'm not sure if the goal - a friend - necessarily equals what he is risking.
This sounds interesting. It just needs punched up a little. I want to know what he is, what the organization is, what they did to him and why.

Mystery Robin said...

I love the idea of an invisible kid in hiding. Cool title, too!

Walter Thurman said...

I like this. It's short and to the point. I agree that I'd like to know what this organization is, and what he's going to have to do, and what the exact risks are, but that's why we want to read the book. As far as log lines go, this one gets the job done.

Barbara said...

I agree with Walter. I think it works as is because a lot is implied. If he's hiding from the organization, they must be bad guys, at least to him, and if he's risking his safety, I can assume he's going to somehow make himself noticed.

Angela Robbins said...

if he's invisible, how would he ever be found? i'm thinking he does something to change that, whether it be figuratively or literally.
i have read a snipet of this, i think in SA or somewhere else, and remembered i liked the writing.
i would say this is a succinct example of a log line, i know something about the character, the conflict and that he's willing to risk being "seen" to find friendship.

Holly Bodger said...

I would change the beginning to "Owen, a high school senior who's hiding from the organization that made him invisible". Otherwise, it sounds like the organization made him a high school senior too. :-)

Also, the stakes could be more clear. "Risks his safety" is kinda blah. What is actually going to happen to him if he loses here? He remains lonely? Invisible?

Karen Akins said...

Great logline. I'd perhaps choose a punchier word than "safety", but it's short and sweet. I like it. This is a true elevator pitch.

Shannon said...

I like it, too. Short and uncluttered, gives me an idea of the plot. Plus, it sounds fun. I'd read it.

PatEsden said...

I like this. I think it's clear and to the point--and fun.

DJ said...

Like it! And great title!

Joie said...

This is unique enough that I'd read it just on concept alone.

Miss Aspirant said...

Right away I wondered how he could be a high school senior and invisible at the same time. Perhaps he can un-invisiblize himself at will, thus risking exposure. How does having a friend risk his safety? By becoming visible? So this one confused me a bit.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

This sounds like a good story. I was thrown at first by "invisible". A lot of teens feel invisible. It took me a bit to realize you literally meant invisible.

He's invisible, so how does he risk his safety? I guess he's not all that invisible after all. What do you mean by safety? Can you be more specific?

Great job trying to do it in a single sentence. :D

Spiral said...

I agree with Walter - this is almost perfect. Short, all necessary points, and enough of a hook to suck me in. Just a couple ideas: Name the organization, so we get a sense of what they are (good, bad, government,medical, etc), and maybe change the word "safety" to "life", which makes it much more enticing and compelling. I get that his goal is to have a friend and perhaps, become "un-invisible?" I'd read this one - yup, I would indeed. Best of luck!

Bethany said...

Oh my goodness. The nitpicking is going insane.

It's concise - which shows that you have a strong plot and you are able to write in a tight and controlled manner. This really makes me want to see your writing. Mission accomplished, great job!