Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Logline Critique Session Three #10

TITLE: Amber and the Whispering Willows
GENRE: Y/A Realistic Fantasy

When an evil fairy force creates a plague that kills the Earth's vegetation, its next target is twelve-year-old Amber, for she has the power to save both human and fairy realms against its onslaught.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think this one is perect. Short and to the point. I would read on. ;-) T

Nicole said...

I really like this for the most part, however I'd like to know what kind of power Amber has and this has more of an MG feel for me instead of YA.

LTM said...

very, very nice. Instead of "for she has the power," you might consider "who has the power." But maybe not. I think this sounds very interesting--best of luck! :o)

SS said...

I think it sounds like a fantastic story, but I was a little confused - Amber has the power to save the fairy realms, and the fairy force is trying to stop her?

Lianne said...

I'm not sure you should use "realistic fantasy" as a genre. It's not a conventional genre, and it makes me wonder what's more realistic about it than other fantasy.

If there's something about it that makes it different from other YA fantasy in the kind of realism you offer, you could explain this in your query letter after the logline:

Amber and the Whispering Willows is a YA novel which combines an adventurous fantasy quest with a gritty psychological portrait of an unstable heroine. (Or, say, whatever made you use the word 'realistic')

K. Cooper said...

Cute title, but I do agree that this sounds more appropriate for middle grade than YA. It doesn't have the grittiness most YA fairy books require, or at least this logline doesn't give me that impression. And 12 is too young for YA. A few little nits: what is a fairy force? Is it a fairy or a group of fairies or something evil unintentionally conjured by fairy magic? And WHY does it want to destroy the earth? This is short, so you have a little room to clarify these things. Also, what's so special about Amber? Why can she save these realms and no one else? And what are her goals, motivations, and conflict? Clearly conflict comes from the fairy force and she wants to save the world, but why? Is she a part of the fairy world? Or is she just awakening to her powers? Tiny details can add uniqueness to your plot, so don't be afraid to add them in!

Barbara said...

You've written this with the evil fairy force as the MC. Turn it around so Amber is your focal character. Tell us why/how Amber plans to stop them, rather than saying they are out to stop her. Make it her story, not theirs.

And I would also suggest losing 'realistic.' The fact that it takes place in the real world doesn't stop it from being fantasy, or make it realistic. If you're writing about magic and fairies, it's fantasy.

Mai said...

I agree with Barbara that you should start with Amber instead of the fairy force, but otherwise, I think it's a great logline and I'd read it!

Locksley said...

Consider '(MG) Magical Realism' or just plain fantasy.

I like your sharp and succinct writing. Don't forget the earth's vegetation when she saves human and fairy realms. Try: she has the power to resurrect the Earth's living powers, saving both human and fairy realms.

As mentioned by others a little on why her would go a long way.

I like the title suggesting she will collaborate with trees (hey are they destroyed) to vanquish the evil fairies.

Holly Bodger said...

Barbara is right - the focus needs to be Amber. If you change it so this is about Amber's goal to save humans and fairies before the evil fairy kills her, it will be much stronger.

rhea said...

Yeah, this needs to be about Amber, and what she's going to do about the evil fairy.

Amanda said...

For some reason I read it as the plague's next target was Amber, not the evil fairy force. And what is an evil fairy force? Is it an evil fairy? Some sort of being? Why is it destroying the vegetation?

I love faery stories so this sounds great. :)

Vicki Tremper said...

Hey, I recognize this one! You've made good changes so far, but you need to take it a bit further. You've got all the elements now, but I agree you need to focus on Amber rather than the evil force.

I also agree that the title and the age of the MC say MG.

gideon 86 said...

I had another logline ... if you can let me know if this one works better. Thanks everyone for your comments.


Hidden in the human realm, Amber’s beloved willow grove is threatened by an evil faery force desperate for her power. It creates a plague that can kill off the world’s vegetation, and in her quest to save both worlds, Amber discovers she is the key to stop it all.

Anonymous said...

I like the second one, but the last sentence (for me anyhow) didn't seem to flow smoothly. I would read on. Good Luck ;-)T

Bron said...

The second one is better, but I'm not convinced your story is YA. The plot sounds more MG, and 12 is young for YA (or so I keep hearing).

I think you could improve the second logline by giving us a hint as to what Amber is. Is she half fairy? Pixie? Nymph? The first sentence is good apart from that.

The last part of the second sentence seems a bit redundant to me. If she's on a quest to save both worlds, presumably she has some ability to stop the faery force and thus would be a key to stopping it all. You've stated Amber's goal, but not the consequences if she fails. Is it just that the vegetation will die out? Or will she die without her power? etc.

Locksley said...

Hi Gideon,

I like the second one better but would add a clarifier:

Hidden in the human realm, Amber’s beloved willow grove is threatened by an evil faery force desperate for her power. It creates a plague that can kill off the human and faery worlds' vegetation, and in her quest to save both worlds, Amber discovers she is the key to stop it all.

In this way you don't surprise or confuse anybody with the second world.

Fairy? faery?

gideon 86 said...

Great suggestion Lockley .... Thanks a lot, it does flow much better!