Wednesday, November 10, 2010

November Secret Agent #2

TITLE: The Brevity of Roses
GENRE: Literary Women's Fiction

Jalal prayed the groan that woke him had been his own. He raised his head an inch off the pillow and scanned the room, confirming he was in his bed and alone. That was the last time. No more lost weekends for him. "If it was a weekend." he murmured. Gingerly, he maneuvered himself upright on the side of the bed. It could be midweek for all he knew. Getting wasted was no longer confined to weekends. He ran a hand over his jaw, then sought a second opinion from the bathroom mirror. Stubble length indicated he might have lost only one day this time. That was one day too much. He renewed his vow and stepped into the shower.

Twenty minutes later, dressed in jeans, he walked out of his closet and pulled on a tee. As his eyes cleared the neckband, they focused on a blonde in a tight black dress, standing in the doorway across the room. He blinked. He froze. The rising fear his blackout had progressed to hallucinations dissipated when she spoke.

"Oh, good, you're finally up," she said. "I'm starved. Let's go to Colliano's for lunch."

Jalal glanced at the clock on the bedside table; it read 2:17. He stared dumbly at her, wracking his brain for her name. Her face was familiar. He knew her. Hell, considering she was now disentangling her underwear from his sheets, he apparently knew her intimately.

16 comments:

  1. This is great. Truly, truly great. I really wouldn't change a thing. I'm highly intrigued, the language is great, the descriptions are perfect.

    Well done.

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  2. Oh wow, I have to admit - I am so wanting to know what happens next. She seems like a spitfire and he seems like a trainwreck - I love it!

    My only addition would be more of what he remembers or how he feels in the first few paragraphs - setting the stage, maybe, for the shock of his life when he sees her. Other then that - I loved it!

    Thanks!

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  3. I really liked this opening. You kept me as bewildered as your main character. Having him use the length of his beard to determine how much time had past was a nice touch.

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  4. I thought it could have been clearer. He scans the 'room' to confirm he's in 'bed' alone. Wouldn't he glance beside him to determine that? He should also get up and go to the bathroom before he starts looking in the bathroom mirror. He is also 'focusing' on the woman, and after he focuses, he blinks and freezes. Perhaps he should have the surprised reaction first, then focus on her to figure out who she is?

    I liked that you showed us who this guy is, and the last paragraph did draw me in. I wanted to know who the woman was and how/why he got hooked up with her.

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  5. Love the opening line.

    I do love a short sentence, but sometimes the blocks of short sentences gave it a choppy feel.

    Nice opening, though.

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  6. I thought this was pretty excellent in content, although I do have a few tiny nitpicks. For one, I think you can trim the first paragraph a tad. You don't need "It could be midweek for all he knew," since you have "if it was a weekend." You can also cut "getting wasted was no longer confined to weekends," for the same reason. I'd replace those two sentences with physical feelings...is he hungover? Get that in there, it can back up the groan in sentence one. Instead of telling us "That was one day too much. He renewed his vow and stepped into the shower," why not give us dialogue to show him renewing his vow. Replacing those two sentences with dialogue saying "I will never drink again" would be great. And I'd cut "apparently" from that last sentence, as it's completely unnecessary. Overall, though, this is pretty polished and I'd love to see the scene that follows (assuming it's as funny and the woman is as sassy as I think she'll be).

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  7. Immediate thoughts:
    1. Love the title!

    Jalal prayed the groan that woke him had been his own. He raised his head an inch off the pillow and scanned the room, confirming he was in his bed and alone.
    Why doesn’t he know that he’s in bed? Just say that “he was alone.”

    That was the last time. No more lost weekends for him. "If it was a weekend." he murmured. Gingerly, he maneuvered himself upright on the side of the bed. It could be midweek for all he knew. Getting wasted was no longer confined to weekends.
    This is good—I’m intrigued.

    He ran a hand over his jaw, then sought a second opinion from the bathroom mirror.
    Last time he moved, he sat upright on the bed—there was no move to the bathroom or the mirror.

    Stubble length indicated he might have lost only one day this time. That was one day too much. He renewed his vow and stepped into the shower.
    Good…

    Twenty minutes later, dressed in jeans, he walked out of his closet and pulled on a tee. As his eyes cleared the neckband, they focused on a blonde in a tight black dress, standing in the doorway across the room. He blinked. He froze. The rising fear his blackout had progressed to hallucinations dissipated when she spoke.
    “He blinked. He froze” reads awkwardly—I’d say “He blinked and froze.”

    "Oh, good, you're finally up," she said. "I'm starved. Let's go to Colliano's for lunch."

    Jalal glanced at the clock on the bedside table; it read 2:17. He stared dumbly at her, wracking his brain for her name. Her face was familiar. He knew her. Hell, considering she was now disentangling her underwear from his sheets, he apparently knew her intimately.

    LOL. Good.

    I’m hooked, and I’d keep on reading—I like the voice that comes through in that last line, and that’s really what drives the scene forward.

    I’m also intrigued that you’re narrating from the POV of a man—I don’t see much women’s fiction like that (if any). I’m eager to see what story you’re going to tell (and that’s really all you need to do in each paragraph of a novel—move me to the next paragraph because you’re raising questions, big or small).

    Nicely done!

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  8. I agree with the previous comments. This is an interesting opening. However, I'm having a little trouble imagining the scene. The woman is standing in the doorway in a dress, ready for lunch, but next she's disentangling her underwear from his sheets.

    Where was she between the time he gets out of bed and spends 20 minutes showering, getting dressed in jeans, and walking out of his closet?

    He knows it's twenty minutes later when he walks out of his closet, but doesn't look at the clock until after the woman speaks.

    Some of this sequence seems in reverse order. Maybe you intend that to show how wasted he was, but it's a little confusing to me.

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  9. This is well-written and intriguing, as others have said. I like the subtlety of using stubble length to indicate how much time has been lost.

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  10. I really like what you've shown us about Jalal as a character. I'm not sure I like him, but you've done a good job with this first peek at him.

    I think there's some unnecessary repetition, as has been mentioned, like with the "weekend". I also agree that you need to show us a little more connection between actions. Right now, both characters are blipping around the rooms rather than clearly moving from place to place.

    Like our Secret Agent, I haven't seen women's fiction told from a man's point of view. I would argue that you might put the typical woman's fiction reader off by starting with him, given that they're usually interested in the woman's journey, but I'd read more and give you the chance to convince me.

    Good job!

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  11. I would definitely read on. I love that this is women's fiction from a male POV (at least, this chapter). And I think you've captured his remorse really well.

    I think there are a few things you could tweak to make it flow better - why would he need to scan the room to confirm he was in bed? Wouldn't he just look down at the bed / himself in it? Also "the rising fear" sentence feels sort of awkward. Maybe the narrator should be the subject (rather than the fear being the subject) and that sentence would flow better. Last thing- wouldn't he check the clock as soon as he got up, rather than after the shower?

    In general, it's good and as I said, i'd turn the page for sure

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  12. I'm intrigued by the story, but I thought there were a few sentences that seemed a little awkward.

    A few that jumped out at me:
    He raised his head an inch off the pillow and scanned the room, confirming he was in his bed and alone.

    It could be midweek for all he knew.
    Twenty minutes later, dressed in jeans, he walked out of his closet and pulled on a tee.

    There was just something about the wording that pulled me out of the story a bit.

    Overall, a great job. I'm hooked!

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  13. There's a few little things in here that disrupted the flow a bit. Others have pointed them out. I guess what was missing for me was the physical reaction to being hungover. Even if he's slept long enough that he no longer has a headache, he would still have a very dry mouth and just generally feel a bit under the weather. I'm not getting that sense from this piece, just confusion.

    Don't get me wrong, it's very good, but this stood out to me. I think you only need to add a few words here and there to bring in all the five senses to describe how he's feeling.

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  14. Really like it. Would definitely keep reading. I'm guessing he's got a short term memory issue that will be explored further? I'm also intrigued that this is women's literary fiction with a man's POV. Love the title. Nice job.

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  15. Great opening. I have the same questions as Jalal--who is this woman, and where did she come from? I'd definitely read more.

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  16. Author here. Thank you to everyone for your helpful feedback. I really appreciate the time you took to read and comment.

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