TITLE: TOUCH
GENRE: YA paranormal romance
Seth suffers from a curse that makes it impossible for him to touch anyone, but Holly doesn't know that. They've both been in denial that they want to be anything more than friends. It's halftime at a football game.
My body had its own ideas, and Seth's was like a magnet. I couldn't have fought it even if I'd wanted to. And who was I kidding? Nothing about him made me want to do that.
I slid along the bench. Electric air between us. A barricade, and a bridge. I ached to cross it. He leaned toward me. My lips quivered.
The music on the field built.
His breath hovered on my lips, so sweet.
His gaze didn't waver, so intense, it seared straight to my soul.
I couldn't wait any longer. I bent forward, closing the last distance between us.
With a final drum clap, the song ended. Seth broke our gaze and jumped back before our lips touched. He spun away from me. His fists clenched the railing, his body trembled.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be here with you." He turned, a pained look in his eyes. "I thought I could do this, but it's too hard."
Very nice! I really like the premise. "The electric air between us" is a wonderful description. I really wanted them to kiss, great anticipation.
ReplyDeleteLiked the anticipation and was disappointed they didnt' kiss. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteawww! Where's the kiss?
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I appreciated the magnet metaphor and i enjoyed the tension
I realize you only have 150 words here, but perhaps in the mss. build a bit more on "The music on the field built."
ReplyDeleteYou make use of the music at the end of the piece, which works nicely. The music ends abruptly and so does the almost kiss. Use the music in the same way before this. Perhaps say 'how' the music built, using words that parallel her desire.
And perhaps add a verb to "Electric air VERB between us."
I really like this. You build a lot of tension!
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in Seth. What does he look like? Can you give us a bit of physical description to drive the anticipation to him, rather than pulling it to the football field?
I really like this (even though there is no kiss). You build it up well and I like Barabar's idea of incorporating a little more of the music into it.
ReplyDeleteI really love the lines: "Electric air between us. A barricade, and a bridge."
Oh, I like this, and I especially love the premise. Your use of words to show the physical roadblock of his affliction are wonderful. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I'd re-think the line "my lips quivered" though. It made me picture a mackin' goldfish, like her lips were trying to get to his even if her face wasn't with them. :) Spectacular tension for an UN-kiss.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. However, I do think these two lines could be converged or something:
ReplyDelete"I couldn't have fought it even if I'd wanted to. And who was I kidding? Nothing about him made me want to do that."
This didn't quite flow for me. It seems redundant. Perhaps something like this:
"My body had its own ideas, and Seth's was like a magnet. I counldn't fight it. Heck, who am I kidding? I didn't want to fight it."
I was hooked reading this. I really liked it, even without actual kissing.
ReplyDelete"His body trembled" seems a bit odd - a boy's body trembling? Not the way we usually see it - but I would guess that this is explained more later, and relates to the curse?
Nice writing, I think :-)
I liked this, but I wanted more scene setting, I think. Though, that very well might occur within the larger piece.
ReplyDeleteMy mind wants to reword the second paragraph, but that might just be differences in style.
You did the emotion well. I ached for both characters.