Thursday, March 3, 2011

Drop the Needle: REVELATION #13

TITLE: Race to 100 Deaths
GENRE: Dark Fantasy

Baron Emeric has injected parasites into the elves which are draining their energy. Drinking blood would feed the parasites and make them strong again. Sable has stabbed himself, choosing death over the other options.

Daon's pupils were as wide and wild as Sable's. "Do you not feel the pain? Does his fate not even tempt you?"

Tilara dropped her head to the table and covered her head with both arms, trying to block out Sable's thrashing and moaning. She did not know when she fell asleep, only that daylight came through the window when she opened her eyes.

Daon slept curled by the door where she had last seen him. She slowly turned to the bed. Sable had his back to her, unmoving. "Is it done?" Legs wobbling, Tilara walked over to lower herself on the edge of the bed. Her hand shook as she reached out to turn Sable over.

Sable's eyes were closed. The bleeding had stopped. Tilara pressed her fingers to the side of his neck. A pulse, faint, but unmistakable. She sighed, her shoulders dropping, unsure whether to feel relief or disappointment. A hand grasped her wrist and she jerked.

Sable's eyes had opened and his fingers tightened on her. His words were raspy. "I cannot even kill myself. They won't let me die." His cheeks, stained with dried tears, were joined by fresh drops. "Why won't I die?"

Daon spoke from the floor. "Two months. In two months you will get your wish, as Emeric's mages break your vial. I don't know if it is the worms or the magic, but it seems we are stuck with this condition. No escape."

7 comments:

Lori M. Lee said...

I'm intrigued o_O Also a bit squeamish but in a good way lol.

Huntress said...

I would read more. This submission is ambiguous and doesn’t give me enough to grab onto but that is only due to the brevity not the writing.

This gives me a great sense of tension, mystery, and it definitely calls to me. The dialogue is good, natural. The only slim crit I have, you might want to add some sensory touches to it, smells, tastes, or audio.

That might make it pop, IMHO

duwarr said...

The tension is great in this passage and I think you do a really good job conveying their misery and desperation.

I think the last paragraph is really good and intrigues me, but why didn't Daon speak up earlier if he knew it would take two months? If he already knew the information then he could have saved Sable some effort (and some blood loss) by telling him before he stabbed himself. If Daon didn't know beforehand, it would help to convey some of his emotions. Is he angry while he talks? Sad? Resigned?

Thanks for sharing this!

M.B. West said...

I liked this. The only issue for me was the constant use of past perfect (had + past participle). Otherwise, I would definitely read more!

Barbara said...

I'm thinking the reveal is Sable's realization that he's stuck with these parasites, that he can't even kill himself to escape them. If so, it would be a bigger moment if Tilara reacted in some way to the news. As is, he just announces it and things go on as they were, so it doesn't stand out as a moment. And then, Daon seems to have already known that, which also kills the big moment. You might want to let tilara react to his announcement, too.

The piece overall could use use more more reaction, emotion and showing. Show us Sable thrashing and moaning. We'll not only actually feel his pain, we'll also feel Tilara's.

You've got some good stuff here, but I think it needs more.

tarak said...

What's missing for me is a sense of the relationship between Sable and Tilara. I realize it would be established before this scene. He's tried to kill himself and she is both relieved and disappointed that it didn't work. But I have no idea when're that's because she wouldn't be able to take a knife to herself or because she wants Sable to live. I was curious about how Daon knows it will take two months. Either he knew before, in which case he let Sable suffer for no reason, or because he discovered this overnight. It seems like too specific a time frame to be a more sudden revelation. I assume that's cleared up, just pointing it out as a curiosity for me.

Marybk said...

This is a tough passage to comment on, since we don't know the relationships between each elf. Are they siblings? Cousins? Lovers? I amost feel like I *should* have a sense for the relationship status after reading about Sable's suicide attempt.

Consider checking each time you use a "to be" verb (was/were) to make sure there isn't a stronger verb to use in place of it. For example,
"Daon's pupils were as wide and wild as Sable's."
can be changed to
"Daon's pupils grew as wide and wild as Sable's."

Good luck with your WiP.