Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March Secret Agent #35

TITLE: Unearthly Beginnings
GENRE: Paranormal YA

Charlie hesitates at the entrance of the narrow chasm before him, not because he's afraid of its shadowy secrets, but because he's a part of them and he still isn't sure he wants to end it all. Staring down into the pit, so unimposing in appearance, he recognizes it for the abyss that it is.

He has been irreparably marked by the crooked hands of the wolf that dragged him down into the heart of the beast's lair, and changed by the evil that still lives and works within its bowels. A flash of rage breaks through his grief, and doubt prompting him to move forward.

Crouching down he inches ahead his hands digging into the damp soil beneath them. It isn't long before he's able to straighten. A few more steps brings the sounds of whimpers, and mewling, signifying that he's close and that the animal experimentations are still going on. He is only sixteen, but as Charlie crouches in the darkness of that forbidding cavern he feels possitivly ancient. There's a momentary flicker of apprehension as he remembers the iridescent eyes of the caged animal that was his first sight upon awakening in this place just a few weeks ago. Those eyes, which seemed to hold worlds of maleficence and intelligence, haunted Charlie throughout his change. Even as he'd made his illusory escape, the tormented fury of the altered creature had followed him, and the mirthless laughter of the man responsible has never left Charlie's mind.

9 comments:

Sarah said...

Maybe this is the prologue? But your telling us everything and not showing us anything. Your saying, this is the story, this is who he is, and this is whats happening, but you need to show us the story and show us who he is, and show us what's happening. The scene sounds amazing, so if you show instead of tell I think you'll have a good start!

Seleste said...

I kind of agree with Sarah, but I also feel like this is a little over-written with some word choices that don't feel like they fit in YA, especially in first person when the MC is in trouble and trying to escape. The concept seems interesting though.

LTM said...

this is interesting, but I'm not sure I'm following. I thought maybe it was a werewolf victim, then I thought it was someone trying to rescue animals. Maybe it's both? It's so hard with only 250 words. Well-written, though!

Best~ :o)

Ken said...

I'm good with the concept, however I feel completely detached from the MC. I get no feel for the character or motivation. There's a lot of telling here providing us information that could otherwise be given to us in dialogue and action, rather than a narrative.

alexia said...

Intriguing start. I think your first sentence is too long, and it confused me a little. I agree with some of the others, the voice has me feeling detached from the MC. But I think you've got a good beginning here. Good luck!

patesden said...

I'm with Sarah on this one. A lot of potential, but I feel like I'm being told a story instead of experiencing it from the main character's point of view.

Barbara said...

I agree with everyone else. This is you telling us what Charlie is doing, thinking and feeling. Instead, Charlie should actually be doing the thinking and feeling and doing himself.

And think about what's happening here. A boy is looking into a chasm - for 250 words, an entire page. There's no movement.

Perhaps consider rewriting this scene in a more active way, with Charlie actually doing the things you are telling us he's doing.

speech said...

A little too descriptive for me. I would like to read a little more about the actual character instead of what he is thinking.

Secret Agent said...

Agreed--there is too much telling and not enough showing here. Who is "them" in the first paragraph? Is it important to know Charlie is 16 right here? Why? What else could Charlie recognize the chasm as than an abyss? I'm afraid I'm not hooked.