Wednesday, March 23, 2011

March Secret Agent #37

TITLE: Thrice-Born
GENRE: YA urban fantasy

Andra groaned as the pain in her chest spiked.

"Are you all right, miss?" the elderly librarian asked, looking at her over her glasses.

"Yeah," Andra said. She tried to smile, but it only turned the librarian's concern into suspicion. She had no doubt she looked like a junkie jonesing for her next hit. Which wasn't that far from the truth. She checked her phone for the hundredth time. Nothing.

"Damn it, Robin," she muttered. Her hands shook as she grabbed her bag and walked to the exit, dialing her phone at the same time. The crisp morning air made her eyes water.

"Hey," Robin said. She sighed as the sound of her brother's voice soothed the Crave.

"Hey." She clenched her jaw to keep her teeth from shattering. "I thought we were meeting at the library."

Something crashed on the other end of line. "Right," he said, sounding distracted. "Sorry. It slipped my mind."

"Where are you?" she said, leaning on the nearest wall. Her fingers scratched at her chest.

"Damn it," he said. "Look, remember how I told dad I'd set everything up for your Offering?"

"Yes," she drawled. "Robin, what's going on?"

"I think I just broke the water receptacle."

"You broke the water receptacle." she said. "The one that's been in dad's family for generations."

"It has?" Andy said. "God, I suck. Why did I volunteer for this?"

"Because I'm your favorite sister and you love me?"

"You're my only sister, but I see your point."

10 comments:

Theresa Pocock said...

I would read more. I like it.

Sarah said...

Love love LOVE it! One suggestion after "I think I just broke the water receptacle" the dialogue doesn't sound as real. Like when she's says "The one that has been in dads family for generations." it sounds like your directing the comment to the audience. Try something like "Dads going to kill you! You know that's been in the family for like ever," its not a great example but something more like that. The next two lines after that go back to sounding better but the last one where he says "You're my only sister, but I see your point," I think you can take out the "but I see your point" its more realistic for a brother to just snort and say "yeah, your my only sister." Again, I love this. Great Job!!!

Seleste said...

I like the voice and the interaction in this piece. I'm not sure about the teeth shattering part. Was that a typo or a real concern? Also, try to cut some of your dialogue tags. They got really distracting and since it's only Robin and Andra talking, they aren't necessary all the time.

Merliniana said...

Intriguing. I did wonder why the brother didn't know the water receptacle had been in the family forever. Other than that, I was pulled in and would definitely read more.

Mark Murata said...

The sentence beginning "She sighed" shouldn't be in the same paragraph as Robin's first line -- it's confusing. You should substitute that one for the sentence where she tried to keep her teeth from shattering. The odd sensation of the Crave is more important than reminding us that she's cold.
Why is she scratching her chest? Is that part of the Crave? If so, it would be good to tell us. If not, maybe that's a good place to remind us she's cold.

Vicki Tremper said...

This is cool.
One question: who is Andy?
Lots of intrigue. Good job!

Jolene Perry said...

You have to show us the librarians suspicion. We're not in the librarian's head. I think the water receptacle line is good. It shows her personality BUT I think if you just put some emotion aside from punctuation, that would help.

I'd definitely read on!

Nice job!

Cat said...

I like this a lot. The two banter like I remember from me and my brothers. You might want to add another mention of the craving during the banter though because it slipped my mind already (but maybe you've already done that in the next para). I'd read more.

Barbara said...

I liked this. I wondered what 'the offering' was and what the 'crave' was and if the offering would ease her need and help the 'crave,' - all things that make me want to read on.

It's all story, there's dialogue, action, tension, suspense. Nicely done!

You might revisit the water receptacle line. As someone else said, wouldn't he know it had been in the family for years? And when she says ' the one that's been . . .' it implies there is more than one.

Secret Agent said...

This has potential. I'd read more to figure out what the Crave is, how her brother can soothe it, and the significance of the water receptacle. (But maybe there can be a sexier name than that? If it's just a receptacle, can he say jug or pitcher or cup? Or it's special, call it by a fancy name like the Chalice of the Infinite?) :) The dialog is really natural. Well done.