Wednesday, April 13, 2011

April Secret Agent #19

TITLE: Coveted
GENRE: YA Paranormal Urban Fantasy

I’m going to kill him.
Caleb found comfort in that thought. And he meant it this time. It would be quick, clean. He could leave the body in a construction pit on the side of I-70 West to be paved over this weekend. If anyone caught on, he figured he’d make a pretty sympathetic defendant. At seventeen he was still a minor, and had the ‘public servant’ thing going for him. He could imagine the news lineup: Caleb Azriel Dunnelly, local lifeguard, was acquitted of a second-degree murder charge. Jury says they ‘would have done it too’.
“Lighten up, Azzy-baby, it’s a party!” Martin sat there oblivious of any plots to end his life. He was too busy being the ham in a babe sandwich. That meant Caleb was stuck here when he should be at home waiting for Connie, like a good big brother. Funny how a guy’s best friend could bring out the murderer in him.
“Don’t call me Azzy-baby.” He leveled a dark look at Martin. “You know I hate these places.” They sat in a sectional at the back of Confessions, the newest club in downtown Kansas City. Two hundred people ground against one another on the other side of one-inch thick glass to the dreadful techno oong-tss, oong-tss, oong-tss.
“Not as much as you love me.” Martin’s grin split his face like lightning. The way the black lights overhead made his teeth glow was creepy.


  1. Alright, so I love this one too. I can't think of anything I would change except the end of the second to the last paragraph where I was a little confused. Is that supposed to be the sound of the techno music? Could you make it a bit clearer? Otherwise it is great and I would keep reading.

  2. I like the voice.

    His plot to kill If MC doesn't want to be there, why did he go? Why doesn't he get up and leave? Take a bus home?

    That first 2 para's seem unnecessary...unless of course, he truly kills his friend later. If not, then I think the story should shart in "Lighten up...."

  3. I think the last lines are good, esxcept that the "was creepy" doesn't quite work. I like the opening line. The plot to kill is kind of funny, and makes him sympathetic, and he seems young, which is a good thing. Overall, though, while intrigued, I'm not that interested. I agree that I want to know why he's there, etc. The best friend seems more interesting than the MC at this point.

  4. What I'm wondering is why he's there if he doesnt want to be there? Why did he go in the first place? Why doesnt he just get up and leave? And why is he even friends with this guy if he hates so much about him?

    If the MC has mental issues and really turns out to be a killer, this could be a great opening, but if he's not, I'm not feeling any empathy for him.

    I'd give it a few more pages to see which way he goes, but if it turned out he wasn't a killer, I'd probably put it down.

  5. Your MC had a very strong voice, which I liked. However, I think it should be cleared up why he's there instead of just leaving. It seems almost as though he's being blackmailed, but not explained.

  6. The first para hooked me, but then I lost interest when I realised it was just hyperbole and he wasn't really going to kill his friend.

  7. I really liked the first paragraph and I can see why he'd feel that way about Martin but to me, that's the problem - why be somewhere you don't want to be, with someone you don't really like when you have something else you should be doing?
    That would need to be explained quickly for me to carry on.

    Also, I would love it if Caleb killed Martin :)

  8. Decent writing, but a tad disjointed. (And most places 17-year-olds are tried as adults in cases of murder, BTW.)

    You lost me here: He was too busy being the ham in a babe sandwich.

  9. I love the first paragraph. The writing is solid, and I loved the darkness in the tone and voice. Unfortunately, the rest of it invites too many questions and I found myself losing both sympathy and fascination with your MC.

    The first paragraph had me hooked. I was wondering whether or not Caleb is a killer. What is wrong with him? what did this person do to him? Why does he think this way? Is he sincere? He seems sincere...

    But when I discovered he's at the club with his friend, Martin, it seemed more like Caleb was being over-dramatic and angsty.

    I also took issue who how incongruous the 2nd paragraph Caleb is with the 1st paragraph Caleb.

    First he demonstrates this steely, ice-cold demeanor: He's talking about leaving a corpse on the side of a high-way like people talk about ordering pizza! It's brilliant!

    Then, he's suddenly whining about being called "Azzy-baby" and being stuck at a club he doesn't like? The two Calebs can't be reconciled, to my mind.

    Why doesn't he leave? If he is capable of (or BELIEVES he is capable of) dumping a body off I-70, he should probably be capable of leaving a club. And if he can't leave, I need to know why he can't. In fact, I'd like to know why is he friends with someone he so clearly hates?

    Lastly, this line: "The way the black lights overhead made his teeth glow was creepy," is too passive. You make it much stronger.Most readers will know what black light does to teeth. You can simply say "his teeth glowed under the black lights" or something to that effect. It's MUCH creepier if you don't tell the reader it's creepy.

    Keep working on this because I genuinely love where Caleb might be going.

  10. Not hooked because of the disconnect between the beginning and the rest.

    I liked the oong-tss to describe the techno music.