Wednesday, April 27, 2011

First 50 Words #10

TITLE: The Taste of Ginger
GENRE: Multicultural Fiction

My parents' small living room was filled with a gaggle of women, all speaking over each other in loud, animated voices. It was like watching a National Geographic special about social dominance, where pitch and decibel level would determine the leader. They wandered around the room, grazing on homemade samosas.

11 comments:

  1. I like everything about this except the first sentence. I think it would help tremendously to revise out the "was filled."

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  2. I like it! To make it active you could, as Kathleen suggested, remove was filled and make the Gaggle of women the subject.

    A gaggle of women, all speaking over each other in loud animated voices, filled my parent's small living room.

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  3. I think you've created a great setting so far, and I would read on Good Luck :)

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  4. This is awesome! I don't know what is going on with all these people in her parents' living room, but it drew me in right away. I like how you keep comparing the women to animals. :P

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  5. Agree with the other comments so far about revising the first sentence to avoid the passive voice. Other than that, I like the setting so far, and like the National Geographic comparison. :)

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  6. Nice scene setting. I can easily picture this room and these people. Mary had a nice suggestion for making it more active. You could also change 'would determine the leader' to 'determined the leader.'

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  7. Agreed - great setting, but make first sentence active. Like the National Geographic description, too :)

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  8. I agree. I've been in that kind of setting before, so I can imagine all the women fluttering about, talking without listening, and reaching for drinks. Would totally read on.:)

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  9. Very solid scene setting, and it seems natural and not overwritten. Good job.

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  10. I love it! Very anthropological and evocative! I would def keep reading.

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  11. This one caught my attention as I read down the list of entrants. I'd read on : )

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