Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #19

TITLE: Transmigration
GENRE: YA-Paranormal/Mystery

A sixteen-year-old loner traces her chronic nightmares back to a brutal crime that took place seventeen years earlier. But when she learns that she was the victim, she scrambles to identify her killer before he can identify her.

13 comments:

Mary said...

If the girl is sixteen how was she in a crime seventeen years ago?

I think the log line is to the point and captures the feel of the book but then the time frame confused me.

Thank you for sharing! Good luck
.

martintj said...

Nice and concise, but I would like to know the name of the main character and maybe some description of her. You have a lot more words (not close to your limit yet) to play around with. Very interesting concept.

Jonathan 3d said...

Sounds like a reincarnation thing, which is awesome if she now looks identical to the way she did when she was killed and the killer still remembers after 17 years. So is she out to get him convicted of her own murder? Lots of good potential here.

AmieSalmonYAWriter said...

I think this has a very interesting premise, I like the way this could go.
I agree with the above that say just a little bit more information would be great.

Swift Scribbler said...

Really liked this one--short and concise. If you wanted to work in her name you could just reword it to "Sixteen-year-old loner [name] traces her chronic nightmares..."

KimberlyFDR said...

I like the premise and the fact she's trying to solve the crime that took her last life. However, how would the killer know who she was if she was reincarnated? Does she look exactly the same? And does she live in the same general area, thus easier for the killer to find her?

staceylee said...

Good job; I do wonder why he would want to kill her again.

Holly Bodger said...

I feel like this needs a little more at the end. What happens if she identifies him? Will she tell the police? Will she kill him first? And if he identifies her first, what will he do? And how will he identify her if the only connection is her nightmares?

Good luck!
Holly

Barbara said...

I think you could add - before she was even born - or something similar to the end of the first sentence, just in case the reader doesn't catch the age thing, or if they do catch it and think it's a mistake of some sort. Usually my motto is to trust your reader, but considering the opportunity, I'd state it loud and clear, just in case.

You might also add how the killer discovers who she is. The stakes, I think, are implied.

And then perhaps add some details - her name, what the crime was - just to spice it up a bit because, while it is effective as is, it is a bit bland. Make it sound more exciting.

Ramona Dark said...

This sounds intriguing and is well-written. That sixteen/seventeen year thing did trip me up though. I wondered if it was an error.

Sarah Ahiers said...

i'm intrigued by this and i'm pretty sure i understand what's you're getting at with the 16 yo vs 17 yo crime thign, but i think it just muddles the pitch. My suggestion would be to ditch her age and give us her name. Since it's YA, we already know she's a teen, and if you specify that the crime was, say, a murder and then tell us she finds out she was the victim, you accomplish the same thing without the years mixing readers up some. Good luck!

Yttar said...

I'm just confused about how she could've been the intended target of a crime that took place before she was even born. Was it while her mom was pregnant with her?

Also, what does she plan to do once she learns the guy's identity? Or what does he plan to do to her? Something to hint at the stakes.

shelley said...

I also am confused about the age thing. But I'm curious about the possiblties.