Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #29

TITLE: Louder Than Words
GENRE: Contemporary YA

Withdrawn and troubled, Ellen must learn to trust again after rejecting the predatory advances of a popular teacher. Reporting his actions and hoping she's believed is a big step. Shifting from the friend zone to true romance with the new boy at school might be the largest leap of all.

10 comments:

jabelfield said...

Sounds like a true coming-of-age novel, with all the troubles, trials and tribulations of a teen who hasn't had the best start in life. I'd imagine there to be a lot of relatability in a novel like this. :o)

Traci Van Wagoner said...

This sounds like an emotionally charged book. However, I'm not feeling Ellen's angst and emotion in this pitch. It feels a bit removed and humdrum. I hope that makes sense. I think this is a tough genre and you really need to make us feel for your character and want to read about her journey.

Monica Goulet said...

I'm wondering if there's some kind of bigger action/event you can focus on in this logline. Does something big happen when she reports what happened to her? How does that conflict with her new romance? Something like that might make it stand out just a bit more.

staceylee said...

I agree this needs something fresh to make it stand out. Does the story begin with the fall out of the predatory advances, or is this the main action? Sounds like the story is about a return to normalcy, right? If that's her true goal, than you might frame the logline around that.

KimberlyFDR said...

Are there ramifications for her reporting it? And how does this impact her budding relationship with the new boy? I'm not seeing the conflict in this.

Holly Bodger said...

This sounds like the book starts after the advances have happened. If so, I'm not sure what incites her to tell. I also don't see any goal other than that. "learn to trust again" is not a tangible goal. Also, starting a romance isn't really a plot. It's just something that happens on the way to the goal (usually, creating complications). What is she actually trying to do in this book? Go on a date despite the fact that she has been jaded by the teacher's advances? If so, give that as the goal first and then give some real challenges that happen in the present tense (ie, are there rumours about her at school? do people think she lied about the teacher?)

Finally, we need to know the consequences if she fails. She'll lose the boy I assume. So what? What does this mean TO HER?
Good luck.
Holly

Ruth said...

I can see exactly what kind of story this is and what kind of journey the mc is going on. Job done :)

Barbara said...

The logline does say what the story's about, I think, but it is also a bit lackluster. The problem, I think, is that you are presenting the internal dilemma rather than the external problem.

Instead of telling us what she must learn, tell us what happened. When ELlen rejects the predatory advances of a popular teacher, ----(now say what happens as a result) It should cause a problem. Then say what she does to overcome this problem, and what things or people stand in her way, preventing her from overcoming it. And then, what will happen if she doesn't overcome the problem.

Eliza Tilton said...

I agree with Barbara.

After Emma reports the predatory advances of a popular teacher to the principle, the whole school laughs in her face.

then you can add in how the new boy is the healiing she needs ect

Bron said...

Your logline is a good length and I feel like it covers the important points without going into extraneous detail. But I think you could switch the information around to make it more compelling. At the point, it's almost presented as a fait accompli - Ellen's teacher molests her, she does something and hooks up with a cute boy. I would start with the fact that Ellen's teacher tries to molest her, then pose the rest as a choice - can Ellen find the strength to report her teacher and trust males again? The stakes are the new boy - if she can't get over the teacher, she won't be able to bond with her friend.