Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #38

TITLE: Two Chocolates Short of Crazy
GENRE: Women's Fiction

Mother-of-three Claire paints chocolates. Career woman Malia persuades philanthropists to part with the big bucks. These twenty-nine-year-olds have nothing in common, except the apartment they shared back in college. But when fate (and a donation pledge) slams Claire and Malia together again, their prickly friendship ends up saving their families, jobs, and self-confidence during a year that drives them Two Chocolates Short of Crazy.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Love the title. Fantastic. The logline could be shortened.

Good luck.

Violet

Shiela Calderón Blankemeier said...

Love the title, too, but agree its a little long without the really important info. Your background sound interesting but doesn't belong here. It needs something along the lines of... when (blank) happens, chocolate painter Claire must (do something) or else (this awful thing will happen). I also like the way you worked the title into the last line. Best of luck!

Heather said...

i'd pick up this book! sounds good!

staceylee said...

I also think too much backstory; you could really shorten this to one line. Maybe work backwards from the most basic logline and embellish a bit from there:
Two ex-roomates with a prickly past (what is their goal?) Sounds like a cozy read!

Iris St. Clair said...

I like how you worked the title into the logline. I wasn't sure how to interpret 'career woman Malia persuades philanthropists to part with big bucks'. I kept getting different impressions of who she was until I got to the end then took a second to gel the words together. Maybe instead of career woman, call her a Professional fund-raiser and drop philanthropist?

earth said...

Loved the title and how you worded it in. But I don't get what the stakes are. It sounds a little vague here.

Jessica Leake said...

I agree with what others have said about the wordiness. I thought the last sentence was well-written, so maybe if you added another to include the stakes?

KimberlyFDR said...

A bit too much backstory for a logline. Try to focus on the main thrust of the story. Is the point that they work together and repair their friendship? Or is it overcoming an obstacle together?

Laura said...

Everything has been said. Zoom in on the conflict and the stakes, and leave the backstory for the reader when they delve into the book.

Maggie said...

I agree with the above. It needs to be shorter, and to the point. The bare bones story, with only so much back story.

Good luck! :)

samsevern said...

Oooooh! I'm hooked just by the TITLE!! You've told the story simply n' crystal-clearly, in very few words, n' so for me I'd say it doesn't need to be shorter, just make sure the book itself lives up to this awesome logline! ㋡

TKAstle said...

LOVE your title!! (Any other comments I had have already been pointed out by others.)

Holly Bodger said...

The only thing we need to know about these two is that they were roommates in college. After that, we need some kind of unified goal. As written, it sounds like the entire plot is a side-effect of a coincidence. What do they DO during this year and why does that result in them saving their families, jobs and self-confidence? What happens that almost stops them from doing so?

Good luck!
Holly

Anonymous said...

I liked the title, too. This seems a bit wordy though for a log line. Sounds like a good story, though!

Anonymous said...

I think the story sounds great, but remember, a logline is not a jacket cover - it is a one sentence description of the plot - what actually happens in the story, not what its about at its heart. Tell us what these people set out to do and the consequences if they don't meet their goal.

Bron said...

It's a bit long and reminds me more of a back-cover blurb, as the previous comment says. I believe it would be stronger if you cut everything from the third sentence on and used that space to instead give us some specifics of your story - "saving their families, jobs and self-confidence" is a bit vague. If I picked this up it would be because of the specific details in the first two sentences.