Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 1 #9

TITLE: The Mage's Daughter
GENRE: YA urban fantasy

The all powerful Mage's daughter gets tangled up in a vampire werewolf love triangle until she summons her dead boyfriend from his grave and has to stop the impending zombie apocalypse all while going to high school.

15 comments:

jabelfield said...

OMGoodness, this sounds as though the story packs some punch. Would I want to read this book after hearing this snippet? Oh, you betcha! The book sounds a hoot!

KimberlyFDR said...

I'd like some more specifics (character names). And does she summon her zombie boyfriend to dissuade the vampire and werewolf from pursuing her? Does his reanimation cause the zombie apocalypse? A bit more on what's actually going on would help me get a better understanding of the story.

martintj said...

You need to hyphenate. All-powerful, vampire-werewolf-love triangle. I am not a grammar expert so you may need to look up some grammar rules to make sure, but definately take the time to do that.

R.A.Desilets said...

Ha! Yes, I really want to know why she decides to summon her dead boyfriend. If she's already in a love triangle, why is she adding to the mess?

Otherwise, I love zombies :)

matril said...

Fun, but a bit rambly. It's hard to see the connections between the love triangle and the undead boyfriend. Giving names would probably help, as well as some kind of clarification about how the protagonist gets from vampires and werewolves all the way to a zombie apocalypse.

AmieSalmonYAWriter said...

Wow this is certainly powerful, it not perhps a little unclear. I think maybe some names and some more puncuation would help make it clearer, but otherwise very interesting.

Holly Bodger said...

Um, wow. Okay:
1) Is the love triangle inciting the story? If so, how does getting caught up in a love triangle DIRECTLY CREATE her need to stop the zombine apocalypse? This is her goal in the book and it needs to be clear why it is her goal.
2) I think summoning the dead boyfriend is one of the challenges of stopping the apocalypse, but it doesn't sound like much of a challenge as written here. Does it take her most of the book to do this or does she do it in one scene? If the latter, what else makes it hard for her to stop the apocalypse and what happens if she fails?

Good luck!
Holly

Anonymous said...

Your premise is really interesting, but I can't quite figure out what a vampire werewolf love triangle has to do with her ex boyfriend rising from the grave. You say there is a triangle UNTIL... until what? There's three guys after her? What sparks the zombie war, how does her ex-boyfriend figure in? If you tie in all those points together, you'll have a real winner. Good Luck!

Barbara said...

Who is the all powerful mage's daughter? (Name her). And if she's all powerful, why do I need to worry about her? She can't possibly lose. Or is it her father who is all powerful, in which case he can easily save her. (perhaps cut all powerful)

As written, the love triangle ends once she raises her dead boyfriend and the zombie apocolypse begins, so it doesn't seem like the love triangle matters.

I'd suggest making connetions between all these elements you have here. What bearing does the love triangle have on the dead boyfriend and the zombie apocolype? How are they related to one another? Perhaps work on making this much clearer.

Claire Gillian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Iris St. Clair said...

(sorry for the deleted comment above...I have multiple Google logons and used the wrong one)

This almost sounds like a parody, there's so many trendy tropes in it like Buffy, Twilight and the current zombie rage. If this is a comedy of sorts, I'm there. If not, perhaps tying together the seemingly unrelated events of the love triangle, summoning the BF and stopping the apocalypse. Is the protagonist trying to feel the extent of her newly found mage powers while maintaining a facade of being human, only she unleashes more than she can handle?

EmilyR said...

This logline feels a little breathless is its determination to fit everything in, but I think that'd be easy to fix. I suggest slowing the pacing down a bit by splitting it into at least two sentences. I'd name the main character and mention she's in high school in the 1st clause of the first sentence.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I think your story sounds like fun, but I agree with the poster who said it felt breathless. I recommend toning it down a bit and dive right into the main conflict.

Mary said...

What's the main issue here? The live triangle?the dead boyfriend? Or the apocalypse?

Careful - at this point I'm reminded of the latest season of true blood. Vampires, werewolves, and raising the dead.


Find what's different about your story and focus on that.

Author of #9 said...

Thanks everyone for your comments. They are very useful.