Wednesday, September 21, 2011

September Secret Agent #21

TITLE: A Special Someone
GENRE: YA Mystery

That morning at school, Kim Waverly was waiting for me by our locker. She was ready to gossip, I could tell because her energy level shot up and her volume went down. “So who are you going to homecoming with?”

“No one.” I shook my head.

“But you said…” She stood in the way, blocking me from getting my books.

“I know what I said, but I lied, okay. Now, move.” I pulled her away from the narrow opening.

“Hey, watch it,” Kim said, as she regained her footing. “Don’t worry, I’ll find you a date. It won’t be Kyle Baldwin, but I promise you he’ll be hot.”

I closed our locker, pretending I didn’t hear her, hoping she would stop. When I turned back around, she took off. More than anything I wanted Kyle to ask me to homecoming.

At least I was going to the football game. I would be the first freshman to sing the National Anthem, and I didn’t need a date for that.

* *

The sun was at its zenith, but the cold air felt like winter was right around the corner. The trees lined up on my block were gorgeous shades of red, brown, yellow and orange. I loaded up our van with blankets. Dad was traveling again, so Mom brought the boys to the football game to hear me sing.

By the time we reached the bleachers, Kim was in her cheerleading uniform, chanting back cheers.

9 comments:

Heather said...

i think we need to get dropped into a scene with more action, not just conversation. i'd be interested to get more into the "mystery" of this YA mystery.

Parisian Momologue said...

I love the first several paragraphs of this; they really ring true. Not sure the narrator would say "the sun was at its zenith." Would she notice the trees? Especially if she's mooning over Kyle? Dunno.

Janice Sperry said...

The action surrounding the dialogue feels stiff. It is okay to use the word said now and then. The scene break comes too soon. It's like letting a guest sit down to a feast and then moving on to dessert before they can pick the tomotoes off their salad. Stay in one place and explore for a while. Maybe one girl could scratch something on a neighboring locker or pick at some tape - something that would show personality. Other than name and age, I've got nothing on these girls.

I too was thrown off by zenith. But with a little work, this could be a fun read.

Mark Andreas said...

I thought the action around the dialogue worked really well--painted a good picture for me of two girls doing their thing. I agree that I think the scene break comes a bit too soon.
Nice job.

Barbara said...

I liked the opening scene, but agree with the others that it was too short, especially consdering it's your opening. It doesn't give us a chance to get to know the MC.

The last two pargs. after the break seemed almost a different writing style, but perhaps that's because you went from dialogue to narrative.

I would have liked a hint at the mystery, or that something was wrong, or not right. Perhaps start a bit closer to that event?

Secret Agent said...

There's a lot to like about this--you establish a lot about your character in just a few short lines. I agree that the transition between scene one and scene two is way too abrupt.

I like the voice.

The Other Heather said...

The first paragraph of the second scene threw me. We're in her street, loading blankets, and suddenly we're in the stands with Kim and the boys.

Good voice, though.

Bron said...

I would start somewhere else, or beef up the first scene. It's way too short as it is. Could you perhaps have the conversation between the girls at the start of the football game instead? Have Kim come running over to the MC as she arrives and they can have the discussion then.

Other than that, this is good.

Writer #21 said...

Thanks everyone! If you're still reading - I was inspired. I appreciate the comments :)

Continued... I closed our locker, pretending I didn’t hear her, hoping she would stop. When I turned back around, she took off. More than anything I wanted Kyle to ask me to homecoming.

As I headed to class, there were no flashing lights or neon signs indicating danger when I turned the corner. I was like, whoa, this isn’t happening. Kyle was standing next to a locker. His extended muscular arm was leaning on the metal door. Underneath his bicep was Rachael Fox with her voluptuous lips and tiny features. Rachael looked confident in a way that made me hate her guts. Kyle was probably asking her to homecoming.

Everyone knew that cheerleaders showed up to homecoming with football players. At least I was going to the football game. I would be the first freshman to sing the National Anthem, and I didn’t need a date for that.

* * * *

The announcements echoed across the stadium when I heard my name, “Taylor Schuman.” I was handed a microphone and escorted to the center of the football field. My nerves were getting the best of me. The whole school was watching my every move, everyone, except for Rachael. Where was she? Great, finally my moment of fame and she was nowhere in sight.