Wednesday, September 21, 2011

September Secret Agent #8

GENRE: YA Horror

The light of the television cast a sickly glow on Audrey’s face, and for a second I thought she’d died and nobody had bothered to tell me. Nobody being Dr. Marickson, of course. I let go of Luke’s hand and dashed toward the bed, trying to ignore the news coverage of yet another raid on a Dark Magick coven. If that a****** had kept her death from me, I’d—

Audrey lay in her usual position, arms by her sides, wrists so thin I could see her bones shining through. Her ventilator droned its hiss-suck-hiss that I’d always hated but today told me she was still alive. Thank God. I placed my hand on her bed to steady myself. I’d thought I was over this, the fear I felt whenever I visited that she would be dead.

I shoved away the last shreds of my panic and arranged my mouth into something like a smile. “Hey Auds. How’s things?”

No answer.

I let a whisper of a sigh escape my lips. Every time I looked at Audrey, I saw the twisted metal of the car, the red smeared across the glass. And I saw me. Her face and mine. Identical twins. But how were we supposed to be inseparable when one of us lay in a coma? When our connection had stopped shimmering?

One day, sometime, her eyes would open and she would smile and tell me one of her lame jokes.

She had to.

I couldn’t survive if she didn’t.


  1. I really liked this.

    "Sickly glow" in the first sentence worked really well considering this is a horror. I also really liked that you dropped a few clues that there are magical elements in this setting.

    I only have a couple suggestions. The first is, I'm not really sure that bones "shine" through skin. Also "shine" is kind of a "pretty" word. Maybe having her bones "jab" or "protrude" would fit better for the mood you are setting.

    Also, what's Luke doing while all this is happening?

    Other than that, I really liked it.

  2. I thought this was really interesting. The sickly glow and the dead body set it off right away as horror. And I loved the last line, because it could be taken two ways, on an emotional level as well as a physical level. Very nice touch that suits the genre.

    The only think that struck me as off was that the beginning had a sarcastic feel to it, like this was all going to be pretty snarky, but at the end, it becomes serious when we see that she really does care about her sister, and the two different moods didn't seem to work well for me.

    And the line about the doctor not telling her Audrey had died didn't work for me because they're in the same room and it seems she cared enough about her sister that she'd probably check on her several times a day. SHe wouldn't have to depend on the doctor to inform her.

    Perhaps decide if this is going to be snarky, laugh a minute horror, (Dawn of the Dead) or serious horror (The Shining) and stick with that tone/mood.

    And yeah, what 'is' Luke doing through all this?

  3. I did like this. Fast paced. Intriguing.

  4. I like this. I would leave out the sentence about the magic coven on the news, that can come in later. Having it right away makes it feel like forced information and disrupts the flow from understanding who the a****** is.I'd also remove the sentence "When our connection had stopped shimmering?" because it doesn't add much. maybe integrate the "our connection" part into the sentence of the coma: "how were we supposed to have an inseperable connection when she was in a coma?

    her life is clearly also on the line, which makes me want to read more.

  5. I really like the first line. It gets to the heart of the matter as well as providing tension for the opening scene.

    In that first paragraph, though, I'd cut both the Dr. Marickson sentence as well as the information about the coven. The doctor because it interferes with the flow (partly because of the snarky tone Barbara noted) and the coven because, well, once you mention the Dark Magick coven, that's all I want to know about.

    I like the bones shining through.

    I third the Luke question. All you would need is a quick sentence in the middle, maybe an awareness of him after Audrey doesn't answer, something that keeps him in scene.

    I would read on.

  6. I like this but think the 4th paragraph could be shortened to get to the rest a little faster.

  7. Really good. My favorite part was the reveal that Audrey is the narrator's twin (though I think it might be stronger if you took out "And" and just left it as "I saw me"). Also the reference to a Dark Magick coven raid made me perk up b/c I love a little of the fantastical thrown in. Great job.
    Ninja Girl

  8. I like this, you've hooked me.

    Some of the writing could be tidied/ polished a bit, otherwise the only thing I'd suggest is telling us, somewhere in the first paragraph, exactly where she is (I presume a hospital) to ground the reader.

  9. This is definitely strong and I would keep reading, but a more distinctive voice would have me even more intrigued. I feel like the character is a little flat, like there's a lot of telling about her emotions but not a lot of showing.

    I love the part about the twins, twins are one of those perennially popular tropes in fiction.