TITLE: Chasing the Taillights
GENRE: YA Contemporary
If Lucy doesn’t confess her secret about the accident that killed her parents, she might lose her mind. If she does, she may lose the only person left who loves her
Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm pretty terrible at loglines:) But I like this one. We have a character, a conflict, and the claims make just enough sense that I believe the manuscript can - and will - explain them. (Just don't forget the period at the end of the second sentence!)
This is good. It's short, to the point, and doesn't have too many details to confuse the issue. It also brings all kinds of questions to mind, which is the point of a logline, right? It makes me want to find out what the secret is, whether or not Lucy really should feel guilty, and so on.
This is nice and succinct, but it leaves me with a question: Why is there only one person left who loves her? In the wake of such a tragic accident, does she really have just one person to lean on? Honestly, that in itself gives me pause, as it makes me wonder if you have any secondary characters besides this "only person left." I don't know if this is a misunderstanding that you can clear up by altering the logline, or if it's just a fact of the manuscript - just thought I'd throw it out there.
Adore your title, by the way. I can totally see that on a cover.
I want to give you suggestions on how to expand it, because it seems so short...but it certainly captures interest. It makes me wonder about the secret, too.
1. What incites this story? She can't possibly just wake up one day and decide SHE MUST CONFESS NOW or she will lose her mind. 2. Who is she confessing to? 3. Why is this so hard? I mean, if she just has to tell the police or someone, this plot should take about 5 sentences to wrap up. I'm guessing there is a reason she can't confess. What is it? It sounds like it's this losing the person who loves her (too vague by the way). If so, why will she lose him or her? Why are they the only person left?
I think you need something more like, "Lucy has been keeping a secret for a big amount of time, but when INCITING INCIDENT HAPPENS, she realizes she must tell X or she will lose her mind. Unfortunately, if PERSON OF LOVE finds out X, he/she will DO SOMETHING BAD OR MEAN and Lucy will be alone forever."
Mine is totally lame but the point is that you need to show us the main elements on the story. Stories about telling secrets (like Speak) usually have more to them than just a character who needs to say something.
I'm intrigued by this, but also concerned. As written it sounds like the whole plot is her deciding whether or not to tell the secret. That can't be all that happens, can it? With a little more info, this would be great.
This sounds like a wonderful first sentance in a query or something that goes on in a paragraph or two to explain more. In a logline, it comes across a tad vague. It was very well written, but we as readers need a bit more to go on.
This is emotionally grabbing, and I'm expecting an intensely personal story. It certainly generates interest, which is the entire point of a pitch! Love the title!!
This doesn't tell me enough to be enticing Does she tell or does she keep quiet? If she keeps quiet, she loses her mind. End of story. If she tells, she loses the only person who loves her. End of story.
If the whole story is about her struggling with the decision to tell or not, I can't see it being very involving. If there's more to it than that, (and I imagine there is) get that across in the log line so you have something to lure the reader in.
There's a poetic rhythm to this logline that definitely got my attention. However, I feel like a bit more juiciness in terms of detail could make this even better.
I like it a lot. Others may need more info, but I don't. I get that the guilt is driving her to need to confess. The only thing vague is why is there only one person left who loves her? Good luck.
This is great and I love how it's succinct yet you tell us all the necessary info. This isn't really necessary but maybe consider telling more about the "only person left who lovers her" and how he/she is so significant to her. But again, it's just a detail that isn't REALLY necessary, but just nice to have.
Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, I'm pretty terrible at loglines:) But I like this one. We have a character, a conflict, and the claims make just enough sense that I believe the manuscript can - and will - explain them. (Just don't forget the period at the end of the second sentence!)
ReplyDeleteOoo, intriguing. Makes me wonder what this secret is. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis is good. It's short, to the point, and doesn't have too many details to confuse the issue. It also brings all kinds of questions to mind, which is the point of a logline, right? It makes me want to find out what the secret is, whether or not Lucy really should feel guilty, and so on.
ReplyDeleteThis is nice and succinct, but it leaves me with a question: Why is there only one person left who loves her? In the wake of such a tragic accident, does she really have just one person to lean on? Honestly, that in itself gives me pause, as it makes me wonder if you have any secondary characters besides this "only person left." I don't know if this is a misunderstanding that you can clear up by altering the logline, or if it's just a fact of the manuscript - just thought I'd throw it out there.
ReplyDeleteAdore your title, by the way. I can totally see that on a cover.
Best of luck!
I want to give you suggestions on how to expand it, because it seems so short...but it certainly captures interest. It makes me wonder about the secret, too.
ReplyDelete1. What incites this story? She can't possibly just wake up one day and decide SHE MUST CONFESS NOW or she will lose her mind.
ReplyDelete2. Who is she confessing to?
3. Why is this so hard? I mean, if she just has to tell the police or someone, this plot should take about 5 sentences to wrap up. I'm guessing there is a reason she can't confess. What is it? It sounds like it's this losing the person who loves her (too vague by the way). If so, why will she lose him or her? Why are they the only person left?
I think you need something more like, "Lucy has been keeping a secret for a big amount of time, but when INCITING INCIDENT HAPPENS, she realizes she must tell X or she will lose her mind. Unfortunately, if PERSON OF LOVE finds out X, he/she will DO SOMETHING BAD OR MEAN and Lucy will be alone forever."
Mine is totally lame but the point is that you need to show us the main elements on the story. Stories about telling secrets (like Speak) usually have more to them than just a character who needs to say something.
Good luck!
Holly
I do like that this is short and to the point, however, I'd like a bit of a description of Lucy. As it is I don't really identify with her at all.
ReplyDeleteThis does sound like an interesting story though.
Good Luck with this! :)
I'm intrigued by this, but also concerned. As written it sounds like the whole plot is her deciding whether or not to tell the secret. That can't be all that happens, can it? With a little more info, this would be great.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a wonderful first sentance in a query or something that goes on in a paragraph or two to explain more. In a logline, it comes across a tad vague. It was very well written, but we as readers need a bit more to go on.
ReplyDeleteThis is emotionally grabbing, and I'm expecting an intensely personal story. It certainly generates interest, which is the entire point of a pitch! Love the title!!
ReplyDeleteThis doesn't tell me enough to be enticing Does she tell or does she keep quiet? If she keeps quiet, she loses her mind. End of story. If she tells, she loses the only person who loves her. End of story.
ReplyDeleteIf the whole story is about her struggling with the decision to tell or not, I can't see it being very involving. If there's more to it than that, (and I imagine there is) get that across in the log line so you have something to lure the reader in.
There's a poetic rhythm to this logline that definitely got my attention. However, I feel like a bit more juiciness in terms of detail could make this even better.
ReplyDeleteI like it a lot. Others may need more info, but I don't. I get that the guilt is driving her to need to confess. The only thing vague is why is there only one person left who loves her? Good luck.
ReplyDeleteThis is great and I love how it's succinct yet you tell us all the necessary info. This isn't really necessary but maybe consider telling more about the "only person left who lovers her" and how he/she is so significant to her. But again, it's just a detail that isn't REALLY necessary, but just nice to have.
ReplyDeleteI really liked it. But I agree with the above comments. This is excellent as the first line of a query, but needs a bit more characterization of Lucy.
ReplyDeleteI do like it. I feel something may be missing, but I'd be interested in reading more.
ReplyDelete