Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 2 #19

TITLE: Palace of Bone
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

High school senior Dani discovers her best friend has been enchanted as part of an evil faerie’s plot against his king. To save both Faerie and Earth, she must risk her own life to break the spell.

18 comments:

Ninja Girl said...

This sounds like something I'd read. Cool plot, love fairies, definitely would want to see how it all turns out. At first when I read it, I thought where it said "his" king, the "his" there was referring to Dani. Could be a boy or a girl's name, and I missed the "her" in the first sentence. I would make it "faerie plot." Just makes it read smoother. Also, I'd like to know a bit more about the friend's ties to the faerie court.
Ninja Girl

Charity Bradford said...

This is great. Straight to the point. I suggest you say "risk her life" taking out the "own".

Krista V. said...

This is good - we have character, conflict, and stakes - but a lot of the plot elements remind me of Julie Kagawa's THE IRON KING. If you haven't read it, you should check it out. If you have, you might try to highlight some of your manuscript's more unique elements in the logline, just to differentiate it.

Tammy said...

I was confused with "evil faerie’s plot against his king" Maybe you could give him a name? Sounds interesting; fairies are my favorite I would read on. ;-)

Holly Bodger said...

If your story is incited by what happens to the best friend, the goal needs to be connected to her. As written, her goal is to save pretty much the entire world and while this is noble, it doesn't make sense why A incites her to do B. Also, you are saying her goal is to "break the spell" and it's not clear why that would save the whole world.

Good luck!
Holly

Abbe Hoggan said...

This is brisk and crisp, which is good. It also leaves room for a bit more detail. How is Dani's friend enchanted? What specific danger are Earth and Faery in?

Interesting concept and terrific title. Good luck.

foxfyre said...

Thank you, that pointed out what felt "off" to me about this. I was so worried about putting in too much detail that I think I stripped out one of the details that ties it all together.

How about:

High school senior Dani discovers her best friend, Taylor, has been enchanted to fuel an evil faerie’s plot to overthrow the High King of Faerie. Dani must break the spell to save Taylor--and Faerie.
___________________

I'll keep working on it.

Ginger Tsang said...

Love the title here. You have some space for clarification and the above comments provide direction for you on that so I won't repeat them. My only other suggestion is in the last sentance - instead of using 'she' use the character's name and add, "risk her own life to bring balance to both worlds and break the spell to get her friend back."

Sarah Brand said...

I like your second version better. I still have some questions, though: as a human, how can Dani break the spell? Does she have latent magical abilities for some reason, or is it something anyone could do? Why will it be difficult... what's standing in her way? You don't have to answer all of these, but a better sense of the obstacles in her way would make this more compelling for me.

dbreynolds said...

Short, sweet and to the point. Maybe up the stakes by giving some indication of why her life is at risk, but I really have no problem with this. Anyone familiar with the genre will know where you're heading with the story. Good job!

Barbara said...

I like the second version better, and think the first sentence works. You might reconsider the second sentence.

Dani must break the spell before (whatever happens--to add tension and impending danger) or (whatever will happen if she fails - again, to add suspense and danger)

Basically, just make that last sentence more specific.

Kate Larkindale said...

It's short and sweet, but the plot sounds very generic. Can you give some details that will tell us why your book is different to any other book out there?

Jessica May Lin said...

I like this, but I'm wondering what makes Faerie worth saving to Dani. Obviously she's human so she'd want to save Earth, but what about Dani makes it so valuable to her?

Huntress said...

Is there something more that you can give us, something unique, a character trait to pull me in? I understand the conflict. How about a touch of voice?

Dee said...

I ditto Ginger's suggestion for that last sentence- end strong!
Cool concept!

foxfyre said...

Okay, how about the long version! :)
_____________________

High school senior Dani discovers her best friend, Taylor, has been enchanted to fuel an evil elf’s plot to overthrow the High King of Faerie. To get a shot at freeing Taylor, Dani must allow herself to be placed under the same dangerous enchantment, dooming them both if she can't harness her latent magic and break the spell in time.
_______________________

Still needs work, but is that going in the right direction? There's so much more to the story than I can fit in a logline! Picking the most important elements is hard. There's a loose relation to the fairy tale of The Twelve Dancing Princesses (a whole clique of popular girls are enchanted along with Taylor), a good elf who's trying to help, Dani's need to overcome her insecurity in order to use her magic, references to the myth of the Tuatha de Danaan and more. Aaaaagh!

Shiela Calderón Blankemeier said...

I think the second version is much clearer. It's got my vote. Great job!

Barbara said...

Re: the long version.

What is the dangerous enchantment, and what does 'doom' mean? Be specific.