Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 2 #22

TITLE: Sendek
GENRE: Science Fantasy

In a world that tried to crush all forms of magic in favor of science, an astronomer is caught between her job and her hidden magical nature. She struggles to warn her people about an invasion by scaled humanoids without revealing her source of information—prophetic dreams. She must also prove to a handsome Major in the Royalist army that she is not a traitor to the crown.

The arrival of the invading force makes one thing desperately clear--science cannot save them and magic is now their only hope.

11 comments:

  1. Oh this one sounds good. If I saw this in the store and read that on the back of the book, I would buy it. ;-)

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  2. I love this premise. I would be all over this book in a book store.

    That said, you can clean up this log line pretty quickly and be good to go.

    I'm always careful of "In a world" starters because they sound like movie trailers, but it does set your world pretty nicely. I'd spend some time thinking about whether there's a better way to say it, like "Science crushed magic on Planet X" or something to that effect.

    Also, the third sentence isn't really necessary, and neither is the scaled humanoids--just invasion should do.

    Still, I want to read this.

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  3. This is not a genre I normally read but the hook did its job and I'm intrigued. Perhaps you could delete the scaled humanoids -- they demand more explanation for me and the sentence makes its point without them.

    Great job!

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  4. You really need to start with the character and inciting incident. As written, it almost sounds like the book starts with her already struggling to warn the people. Does she struggle to do this for the entire book or is this just what she does until it arrives? If the latter, what happens next? I guess what I'm trying to say is, is her goal to warn them or to stop the force? If it's to stop the force, then the story is incited when she realizes it is coming and only she can stop it.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  5. I read Holly's comment. I think she's right for the logline, but maybe this is a good start for a query.

    In any case, it sounds like a great book!

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  6. When writing a logline for a full manuscript, you have to decide what your main plot points are. In this case, do you want to highlight her conflict to reveal her prophesy without revealing how she came about it, or do you want to focus on the hot water she gets herself into when her prophesy comes true and she has to explain her way out from under the fixed stare of the handsome Major? You'll need to pick one or the other for a short but sweetly tight logline. Having said this, the last sentance is fairly obvious and can go.

    I love that you've placed our character's natural talent in an astronomer's job!

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  7. I thought you could revise the whole thing. The inciting incident (the thing that is different) is her dream, so perhaps start there. She dreams about the invasion and tries to warn people. The aliens arrive and now, using her hidden magical nature, she must (whatever-stop the invasion, find a way way to make peace, wherever your story goes) or else (whatever the stakes are. What will happen if she fails?)

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  8. I don't know - I feel like starting at the dream would only add length. Starting with the inciting incident is great, but I don't know if it can be tailored to fit this plot. In my opinion, the bones are here already.

    I think you could definitely condense the first two sentences into one, and I personally wouldn't include the romance angle - without it, the storyline feels more cohesive: "In a world where magic has been crushed in favor of science, one astronomer must warn her people of an impending extraterrestrial invasion while keeping secret her prophetic dreams. But the arrival of the invading force makes one thing clear: Science cannot save them, and magic is now their only hope."

    Just my opinion, of course. Best of luck!

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  9. The previous posters offered a good summation of how to strengthen the logline, but I do want to highlight that the story itself sounds very intriguing!!

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  10. I like this a lot, but you could trim it a bit. For a logline, we can only focus on one plot line, so I would drop the handsome Major sentence. I like that you started with the setting - it's a great way to drawn in your reader and let them know exactly what they're in for. Great job!

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  11. Great start! A little tighter wording would help narrow the focus on the goal and conflict. What's the cost for having magic powers? What could happen to her if they find out?

    Nice story premise. I would definitely keep reading.

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