TITLE: CANDY, MURDER AND ME
GENRE: Adult cozy mystery
Full-figure dress designer and candy addict Cookie Berelli discovers the PI she hired to clear her of embezzlement charges dead in her design studio, and she investigates with her dachshund psychoanalyst,
Sigmund Freud, to wacky results. Recipes from her Norwegian and Italian heritage. e.g., Grandma Berelli’s Pralines (“Worth going to jail for”), Cookie’s Maple Candies (“So good they’re criminal”), and
Nan's Kringlas ("To kill for") included.
I love the fun tone to this. Fun that there are recipes included!
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion is to break the first sentence into two.
...dead in her design studio. She investigates...
The recipes sound great and I love the involvement of the dachshund. The first sentence is a little full for me. Agree that you could split it in two. Otherwise, great logline!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like fun. I agree you should chop that first sentence in two. I like the recipes a lot but you might consider leaving off the recipes and give us an example of the 'wacky results' instead.
ReplyDeleteLove the title. It immediately screams cozy mystery. The first sentence is a little long. Also suggest cutting in two. I think you can mention recipes are included in a cute way without giving examples. It just weighs down the logline. I agree you could delete that part and give an example of a "wacky result".
ReplyDeleteThe first line was too slow or too long for me. Can it be tightened up a bit? A few words cut?
ReplyDeleteI think that I would drop everything after psychoanalyst.
What is the danger?
The title pulled me, but I think that the logline could be improved.
"Wacky results" feels like telling rather than showing. If a "dachshund psychoanalyst" is a major character, that shows us events are probably going to be a bit crazy. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that you could drop the recipes.
I agree with most of the above posts. I like most of the information you get across, but you might try using shorter, snappier sentences. Unless the recipes are a make it or break it selling point, you might consider leaving that comment out - or just mention that the book includes recipes. The length of the first sentence makes it difficult to take in at a glance. This isn't perfect, but perhaps something like:
ReplyDelete"Wacky, full-figure dress designer and candy addict Cookie Berelli finds a dead PI in her studio. Along with Sigmund Freud, her daschund psychoanalyst, she investigates what happened to the man she hired to clear her embezzlement charges. Includes recipes."
1.I usually tell people to pick the strongest adjective for their protagonist and stick with it. In this case, we don't need to know that she is full figured, a dress designer and a candy addict.
ReplyDelete2. The beginning needs to be re-written to show us that the dead PI incites the story. It also needs more information as to WHY she investigates. Most people would just call 911.
3. Unless these recipes are going to become the conflict in the story, you need to get rid of them and give us the actual conflict.
4. Finally, try to make this personal. We need to know why Cookie needs to go on this quest.
Good luck!
Holly
Nice Twist. The recipes threw me off for a bit. I had to re-read. I think if you tightened up the wording a bit it could work.
ReplyDeleteLove the Dr. Doggy though :)
Great start!
The recipes threw me off, too. I also second everything Holly said. Good tone and title. That alone should get you noticed. Good luck!
ReplyDelete