Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #40

TITLE: The Umbrella Men
GENRE: Literary Fiction / Banker bashing

Bankers behave badly. It's in their greedy genes. The Umbrella Men is a story about them, their crisis and their victims.

That means you.

18 comments:

Janice Sperry said...

Bankers behave badly. Is that like girls gone wild? What do they do? This is too generic. What happens? Bankers gone wild doesn't sound very exciting. I do like the greedy genes line.

Kathleen Basi said...

Wow! This breaks all the rules, but it certainly hooks me. This is a good elevator pitch, for sure, but Janice is right, it doesn't really tell us anything about the plot--only the concept (which is great, BTW).

Vicki Tremper said...

I'm getting waves of anger off this. Is that intentional? I can't help wondering if this is a serious entry.

samsevern said...

The idea is intriguing. I sense some huge burning passion here but I want to know the story n' the world n' the characters.

GOOD LUCK N' THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!

Women's Fiction Writer said...

It says lit fic but the logline isn't literary. I think a logline should reflect the tone and writing of the book. Doesn't mean it wouldn't hook someone or that the book isn't lit fic, but that's my interpretation. The logline should be a teeny tiny representation of the writing within the novel.

A.E. Martin said...

I don't think there is enough of a hook here to make your book stand out, it sounds sort of generic. You have only so many words for a logline, but you should use them to try to convey the uniqueness of your story's plot to make a potential agent really get intrigued. Who is the MC? What are the stakes? What drives the plot of the book? I think you should be more specific and less general and actually show us through words what the struggles/triumphs of your book are.

Marie Andreas said...

I'm really at a loss for what this is supposed to be about. If it's serious, then I might sugest giving more information about the story. There really isn't much here to work with.

JEN said...

I love the title but the logline doesn't make any sense. Who is you? The bankers? The crisis? The victims? If the Umbrella Men are a shady group who exacts revenge from bankers, you might have something.

Julianna Helms said...

Oh man, this is one of those loglines that some people will get, and others won't (as you can already tell). I think if you make your conflict clearer, it would help. Right now all I know is that I'm supposedly a banker, and I'm greedy, and there's a crisis going on. What is this crisis? Am I supposed to be the protagonist? This hooks me, but it's a bit vague, so adding some details (but not TOO many!) should help. Love the title, by the way! :)

Stephanie Thornton said...

I don't get a sense of any characters from this. It's a relevant topic, but this logline has some opportunity to pull in the plot and characters from the story to really hook me.

Good luck!

cheyennehill said...

This is definitely a different type of logline than what I've been reading, and I agree with the above that some will get it and some won't. I read the "you" as being one of the victims. But it seems slightly awkward to address the reader of the logline, but then I can picture this being on the back of the book so maybe I'm not entirely sure what loglines are supposed to be - for the agent/editor, or for the blurb on the back, or both?

Anyhow, it's interesting and eye-catching, for sure. But I think you might need to flesh this out a bit more, particularly who the "you" is (though I think it seems to be the victims), if you really need it. What is their crisis? That seems to be the big question.

Bravo for trying something that stands out.

Kathryn Purdie said...

In addition to the above comments, I'd suggest you never say "this is a story about..." in a logline. This logline only gives us the antagonists (I think) of the story, with no stakes, no MC, no goal. Also, I don't think banker bashing is a genre. :-)

MarcyKate said...

I'm guessing that you're trying to break some rules here, but I really don't think it's working. This is just my opinion, but this comes off to me as potentially being a thinly veiled memoir, especially with the invented genre of "banker bashing" and those rarely turn out well. There are no stakes at all, just the very generic conflict of a "crisis." Breaking the rules is all well and good, but you've got to have something to hook people with aside from your own cleverness. It's a good try, but I'd recommend starting over.

Leigh Ann said...

Sounds like you have some nefarious villians on your hands! Before I'm hooked, I want to know what they do to start the story off, who the protagonist is, and what the goal and stakes are.

Good luck!

Rena Rossner said...

I know this book! :)

I agree with the above comments in terms of letting your voice shine through. You have a very unique voice and you log line here shows neither your mastery of language nor the fact that the books is literary fiction. It does stand out. But (as I happen to have read parts of the book) I would also include a bit about its relationship to environmental crisis - because I think that is a topic that is relevant to our times and is prominent in the novel

But what do I know...

Hugely excited to see you on here! Yay!

Holly Bodger said...

This isn't a logline.

Holly

staceylee said...

This reads like a movie voice.

Barbara said...

Sorry, but I just can't buy literary banker bashing. Now if you had said it was commercial . . . .