TITLE: Rebel
GENRE: YA dystopian
No one’s here to wish me goodbye. The train platform overflows with soldiers and their loved ones, it’s hard to watch strangers kiss, hug and cry through smiles. I’m fatherless, he didn't come. Clothed in mandatory black, the crowd thickens as the countdown to the Departure Ceremony begins. Ten minutes to go, ten minutes before we depart. I should get ready and be nervous, but instead, I swallow the hurt and vanish from these witnesses to his rejection. Why did he leave me alone, today of all days?
I enter the deserted girls’ barracks, the media screen at the ceiling corner a shallow buzz showing live images of our training camp. I seek the back of the aseptic room and sit on the bunk-bed that was mine until this morning. The rolled up mattress and blanket full of holes are ready to welcome the next girl who’ll cry into her pillow, blaming the harsh orders and hard training—like I did, every night. But truth be told, my tears spilled for the fear of where I’d be going, doubt that I’d ever be competent enough, the dread of my first kill and dying alone. And for Dad that I missed so, wishing he’d understand, that he’d come to see me off, today.
I wrote him letters, during the four hour train ride bringing me here, and then everyday at down time. They remain in my cargo pocket, I’ll never mail them, don’t want him to read something embarrassingly resembling journal entries.
This is an interesting start and an interesting comment, but the whole thing was a bit awkward for me.
ReplyDeleteI think some careful revising would go a very long way with this.
These sentences are good examples of what I mean:
"Ten minutes to go, ten minutes before we depart. I should get ready and be nervous, but instead, I swallow the hurt and vanish from these witnesses to his rejection.
I was confused. I thought we started out on a train platform, and then it seemed to go back to her packing to leave, and then the train ride seemed to be over. Perhaps make things clearer.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but it's a bit choppy. As the first critique said above, some careful revising will go a long way.
ReplyDeleteThis sentence, for example, needs restructuring: "They remain in my cargo pocket, I’ll never mail them, don’t want him to read something embarrassingly resembling journal entries.". Consider backing the first sentence here against the last one, adding a "but" before they, or making it a sentence on its own. Like this: "I wrote him letters during the four hour train ride bringing me here, and then everyday at down time, but they remain in my cargo pocket. I’ll never mail them, I don’t want him to read something that embarrassingly resembling journal entries."
You have a good start here, I really feel for the MC on such a hard day of her life, being alone on that platform, so the emotion is definitely there.
I like this entry. I could definitely feel her emotion and felt for her, but I agree with the PPs that some careful revising could go a long way. Some of the sentences were choppy and the scene is unclear. With some polishing, I think you'll have something great.
ReplyDeleteLIke CB and Joy said, this feels like an early draft when you want to get the sentiment down, and often sentences are more how we think versus how a book is written. Editing out the repetitive phrases help it to feel more urgent. There's a great premise here and I wish you well in your writing!
ReplyDeleteI agree with what the previous commenters have said so I will try to focus on something different rather than repeat since that won't be much help to you. I was thinking that some dialogue might go a long way to breaking up the long introspection of this beginning. I understand she has a right to feel as she does but - in book world as opposed to real world - too much of it up front can sound like whining. And I don't want to listen to a whining narrator. I think a way to get around that would be to insert dialogue - snippets even - within the revisions. For example, "the train platform overflows with soldiers and their loved ones" - a couple lines here "Be safe!" "We'll miss you" (whatever) can liven the action, make it immediate and also lends itself to visceral scene setting. There are several places where you could do the same.. "Im fatherless, he didn't come" - "Honey, I'bb be there, I promise!" he said. I knew he didn;t mean it" (again whatever - this is just an example to show what I mean.) I think with some cleaning up you have the start of a story here that I would be interested to carry on with. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThis feels frustratingly indirect to me...everything our narrator is telling us raises more questions than it answers, and that starts to feel like false suspense, false intrigue, etc. I'm sure any one of the details of this Dystopian world would be interesting to discuss at greater length, so instead of barely skimming the surface of ten of them, maybe give us more to chew on from just one of them...
ReplyDelete