TITLE: Homeschooling Slayer
GENRE: Urban fantasy
Dee can put vampires into a trance with her gaze. She and her friend Hope are fighting vampires at night.
The female vampire’s long nails dug into Dee’s shoulders and forced her down.
Flat on her back, Dee was forced to realize her gaze took longer to put a vampire into a trance in the dark. It pressed down towards her. Dee kept it back with difficulty, since she couldn’t tell if she was doing a good job tightening the cord. It squirmed. Dee gripped harder, but made screaming sounds in her own throat. She couldn’t deny she was choking the life out of a person.
The vampire stopped moving. The trance had taken hold. She readjusted her grip, the better to—
Something exploded.
Vampire ash rained down on her. Hope killed hers. Good. Then a body fell on her. Not the vampire that exploded. The male one with its arms boloed to its sides.
The weight of it crushed her left arm and pressed down on her chest. It wasn’t knocked down by the explosion; this was its armless strategy. Dee’s gaze with the female vampire was broken, and those fingernails jammed deeper into her shoulder. Dee kicked at the ground with her legs, but couldn’t get the boloed vamp off of her.
Now the female vampire was moving again. She couldn’t catch that vampire’s eye, couldn’t grip the nylon properly with her left hand, could only guess if the cord would keep it back. The boloed vampire’s head was on her left breast. It gnawed at her shirt.
“No! NO!” Dee felt the fangs go in. She screamed.
I'm not into vampire stories, but the title caught my attention, so kudos for that. I had to read the second paragraph a few times, but I still couldn't completely understand it. Dee was choking the vampire, but she was screaming in her own throat?
ReplyDeleteYou have a misplaced comma after "Dee kicked the ground with her legs". Another thing I want to point out with that phrase is that it's not necessary to point out the obvious. Dee kicked the ground. It's assumed she kicked with her legs.
I liked this (and I'm a sucker for vampires, pun fully intended :) but I did find it a bit confusing. There's a lot going on, and it appears that Dee is under attack from multiple vampires, but I think there has to be some "slowing down" of the action for the reader to get their bearings.
ReplyDeleteGreat title. Neat concept. But the action itself had me lost. Since you didn't set up that Dee was choking the vampire with a cord, the second paragraph took a few reads to get clear what was happening to whom.
ReplyDeleteIf the female vampire is over Dee, her nails digging into Dee's shoulders, how does the boloed vampire fall on her without either falling also on the female vampire, or knocking the female vampire over?
Wouldn't the cord pull the female closer, rather than keep it back?
I'm sure this action is all clear in your head, you just need to make it more clear to the reader.
Great cliffhanger though.
Because you have the word *forced* in first sentence, I'd removed from second sentence.
ReplyDeleteWas forced to realize isn't as strong as something like:
The darkness obviously slowed down Dee's ability to put the vampire in a trance.
Don't know why you need "She couldn't deny she was choking the life out a person." Was she conflicted about killing vampires ealier?
I, too, am confused by number of vampires, who's doing what. Just clarify the staging a bit.
Don't think you need "Dee felt". Use something more active like Dee screamed as the fangs pierced skin.
Love vampire-killing books so would love to read more of this one!
I found this confusing as above with female vampire and boloed guy falling on Dee while she was choking female. (?) And an explosion? Vampire ash but not the boloed one. Had to reread but was still uncertain of what was going on. Some description as to where Dee & Hope are may have helped.
ReplyDeleteI like the twist that it is a human who can mesmerize a vampire with their gaze rather than the other way around.
ReplyDeleteI share the sentiments already expressed about being confused by how many different vampires are involved and that Dee is in fact trying to strangle one with a cord, though I assume that's explained in the previous part of the scene.
However, I think lending to the confusion is that you often refer to the various vampires as "it" rather than with some other descriptor that clearly distinguishes them from each other. Why not call the male vampire a he and the female a she? That is still not the same as calling them a man and a woman, you are still maintaining the distinction that they are something other than human.
I like the title, and the idea that the (assumed) human can do something typically associated with vampires. Interesting.
ReplyDeleteBe cautious of repeating verbs: you used "forced" twice in the first two sentences. "Pressed down" used in second and fifth paragraphs.
"made screaming sounds in her own throat" would work much better as "she screamed." Simplier, tighter, conveys a strong image.
If she's choking the vampire with the chord, and she's under the vampire, then she would be pulling the vampire down on top of herself, not keeping it at bay.
(Incidentlly, does she have superhuman strength, or are the vampires lacking the usual brute force?)
Don't need a comma after "ground with her legs".
I did have difficulty following the action here, having to reread sections to try and interpret, especially at the end. The female vamp on was on, then so was the male. So where'd the original female go that would allow the male to land on her chest? Wouldn't he have landed on the female?
I agree that using "it" to describe the vampires makes the action sequence confusing. You can show that Dee sees them as things rather than people in another place. But for the sake of clarity I think he and she works just fine. You did say there was a male and female vampire and he and she are pronouns that are not exclusive to humans.
ReplyDeleteI also love the title. I agree with other commenters on watching for repeating words and paring down the action to make it clearer what's happening.
ReplyDelete